Israelis Disappointed That Gaily Costumed Athletes Sliding Along The Ice Failed To Provide International Legitimacy

Sochi, Russia, February 13 – Israelis face the crushing prospect today of confronting a world that denies them the respect and legitimacy that they could have had, if only a man and woman in designer leotards had performed better as they glided around each other on an ice rink in the wilds of Russia.

Evgeni Krasnopolski and Andrea Davidovich were widely considered Israel’s best shot at an Olympic medal in 2014, but a fall in their long program meant they placed only 15th in pairs figure skating; Russia ended up with the gold. Israel’s other Olympic athletes have yet to earn a medal, meaning that the country will still be missing a critical piece of its desired goal: to be just like everybody else.

Israeli pundits and fans alike had predicted that a strong showing of athleticism, grace, and artistry by Krasnopolski and Davidovich would finally secure the admiration and respect of other countries when Israel feels ever more isolated politically. A pair of Israeli skaters on the podium, with their national anthem playing, it was assumed, would convincingly demonstrate the error of siding with Palestinian demands and supporting regimes hostile to the Jewish state.

“There’s nothing like seeing an effeminately dressed man throwing a scantily clad teenager in the air,” said Voice of Israel radio commentator Gidon Hod. “If Evgeni and Andrea had only nailed their routine, we would probably see the Palestinians drop their demand for the Right of Return, and immediately agree to recognize Israel as a Jewish state – and you can forget about BDS,” he said, referring to an international movement to isolate Israel economically.

Palestinian leaders breathed a sigh of relief on Wednesday when the Israeli pair were eliminated from medal contention. “We were biting our nails when they qualified in the first round,” said PLO Executive Committee member Hanan Ashrawi. “I don’t know what we would have done if they’d gone into the top ten – I just couldn’t see European countries continuing to pressure Israel after such a display of artistic and athletic prowess.”

Past Israeli medalists expressed their disappointment. “A second gold medal, or maybe even silver, would have been something incredible,” said sailing athlete Gal Fridman, who won a bronze in 1996 and Israel’s only gold in 2004. “After I won that gold medal, nobody ever bothered us again.”