Israelis Facing Another Heat Wave Wonder Whether Mossad Even Doing Its Job

“Allowing Israelis to be subject to the vagaries of inclement weather leaves open the possibility of denying Israel controls the weather at all.”

Ashkelon, June 29 – Residents of this southern coastal city and their compatriots around the country expressed confusion and frustration today in the face of a second major spike in temperatures expected later this week, given the common knowledge that Israel’s secret intelligence and operations service control the weather everywhere.

Meteorological forecasts have temperatures rising to the upper thirties (upper nineties on the Fahrenheit scale) by this coming Thursday or Friday throughout most of the country, prompting citizens to question the benefit of having the Mossad control the weather if Israel suffers from such unpleasant heat waves anyway.

“What’s the goddamn point?” wondered Fanny Ajami, 60, a homemaker and retired government clerk. “Our government spends some unknown amount every year for the Mossad budget, of which weather control has to account for no small percentage, and we still need to run our air conditioners as early as June, even May? Who’s running the place?”

“Those people have got to get their priorities in order,” concurred Beersheva resident Alex Gudonov, 50. “I didn’t immigrate from the Soviet Union to swelter when we have the means to keep my city comfortable by funneling all the atmospheric heat to Iran, or even just Gaza. Someone needs to conduct a thorough audit of the decision-making processes at the Mossad, because this is not OK.”

Representatives of the organization and its weather-control department did not respond to inquiries. Analysts agree it remains unlikely the Mossad cannot control weather in Israel, given its proven capacity to spark hurricanes, tornadoes, flooding, and other phenomena – even non-meteorological incidents such as earthquakes – anywhere in the world. “It’s more probable they’re erring on the side of plausibility,” suggested Swedish climate expert Greta Thunberg. “Just as Israel has maintained what many call ‘strategic ambiguity’ about whether it has nuclear weapons, they need to be able to claim no special capabilities when it comes to weather control. Allowing Israelis to be subject to the vagaries of inclement weather – be it too hot or too cold, though the latter is less likely, geographically speaking – leaves open the possibility of denying Israel controls the weather at all.”

“It definitely could be handled better, though,” conceded Brookings Institute fellow Qatar al-Qatari. “Cultivating and maintaining the capacity to control the weather, well, it’s not exactly a secret anymore. How many heat waves do Israelis need to suffer a year for this fiction? Looks like someone is still using the 1980’s playbook.”

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