Hebrew Spies Steal Palestinian Fruit

“This is nothing less than a naked attempt at genocide of Palestinian farming.”

Wilderness of Paran, June 22 – Twelve Israelite men sent to reconnoiter the Holy Land prior to an intended invasion and conquest have stolen produce belonging to local Palestinian farmers, eyewitnesses allege.

Observers in the Israelite camp at Kadesh-Barnea said that the men, who entered Palestine illegally and spent forty days conducting sinister espionage, returned carrying tremendous pomegranates, figs, and a cluster of grapes so large that they required two men each to carry on a stick – fruits they had viciously taken from simple, wholesome, hardworking Palestinian growers. They further alleged that the pilfering of the produce was part of their mission as given by Moses, and wondered whether such an order constitutes a war crime.

“Moses actually said, ‘Take from the produce of the land,’ when he sent them there,” said Meragel Alpher, who writes for a publication called The Land. “No formal state of war exists between the Israelites and the Canaa – I mean the Palestinians, and espionage itself is not per se an act of war, but that shouldn’t stop the international community from treating it as such. I mean, this is Israel we’re talking about. Imagine the hardship they have caused to those farmers – it’s unconscionable, and, I would say, undermines the entire enterprise of Israelite nationhood.” Local Canaanite Palestinian sources denied knowledge of Israelite spies in their midst during the period in question.

Some Israelites defended the behavior of the spies, saying that the command to take the fruit was of divine origin, but that claim failed to convince Alpher and other outspoken tribal leaders. “No matter how you try to dress this up as some divine mission, this is nothing less than a naked attempt at genocide of Palestinian farming,” charged Gideon the Levite. “The whole notion of the land belonging, or promised to, our ancestors is a bunch of nonsense, and we’re better off staying in the Diaspora, maybe going back to Egypt where we spent hundreds of happy years.”

“Our current leadership, in its radical right-wing blindness, doesn’t see the obvious,” continued Gideon. “We must replace the leadership with someone who agrees with me and my peers, someone who will lead us back to Egypt. Also, I’m sure we can convince at least some of the spies to break the silence about how they mistreated the local population and stole their property.”

At press time, ten of the twelve spies had congregated at Gideon the Levite’s tent and were coordinating their next move.

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