I’ve Already Got My Nobel Peace Prize, So To Hell With You

By Barack Obama

Most presidents are concerned with their legacy. Not this one. I started my presidency with the world’s most prestigious peace prize already under my belt, and had nothing to prove. That means no pretense of caring about really trying to solve your stupid conflict. Eat it, suckers.

A prudent president might rein in his overzealous, borderline Messianic secretary of state, but I don’t need to be prudent. I’ve got a medal displayed in my office, a medal that means I don’t need any more validation or approbation from the likes of you whiny Jews and Arabs. I’d rather laugh at John Kerry’s desperate attempts to earn the prize than actually facilitate it with realistic guidelines. Isn’t he a trip? Check that – at his point, nine or ten trips, and counting. Where is he this week, Ramallah? Amman? Jerusalem? Geneva? Kiev? Who cares?

I worked hard to get where I am, and now I deserve to take it easy. Those two election campaigns were brutal. If you think I’m going to expend the effort to change my assumptions about what’s best for you, you’ve got another think coming. I can’t even rein in the surveillance of my own citizens; there’s no way I’m going to work up the stamina to give a rat’s patootie about your pathetic, so-called right to live unmolested by your neighbors, in secure borders. I’m not even interested in securing our own borders. Don’t complain to me about people tunneling under yours.

It’s possible things would be different had the Nobel Committee granted the award for an achievement other than Not Being George W. Bush. I mean, let’s face it: you’re not George W. Bush, either (George, if you’re reading this, it’s time for your nap), and you’re not the one with a medal in your office. Obviously I’m better at it than you. I’m better at a lot of things than you. Which is why I don’t have to try. Let Kerry work his misguided tail off trying. Not mine.

And if the result is more bloodshed because we indulged the unrealistic demands of Mahmoud Abbas and never disabused him of the notion that he could hold out for more and more Israeli concessions and never have to give up the Palestinian dream of destroying the Zionists one way or another, that’s no skin off my back.

I’ve already got my Nobel Peace Prize.