Jerusalem Man Unnerved At Discussion Of ‘Super Bowel’

“Trump not doing something about this? He can maybe build wall to keep people away from this?”

Jerusalem, February 5 – A local resident expressed unease this afternoon in reaction to seeing repeated references in print and online media to an event this evening that he believes is called the “Super Bowel,” witnesses are reporting.

Michael Sztern, 40,  used his rudimentary English comprehension over the last several days to gain a picture of world events not extensively covered by Hebrew-language media, among them today’s championship contest between the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots. Sztern, a home furnishings salesman by trade, voiced suspicion mixed with disgust at the thought that hundreds of millions, and possibly billions, of people were gearing up to celebrate one of the most viscerally repulsive parts of the body.

“I not get it,” he was heard to mutter yesterday. “What is super about bowel? It is useful, yes, and important, but super? My bald head is super too? People are celebrate liver? Nose?” He voiced further bewilderment upon discovering that the event will be the fifty-first such occasion, and that it transpires every year at around the same time.

Later, Sztern discreetly tried to inquire of an acquaintance whether he had been misunderstanding the event. “It is maybe one very super bowel?” he wondered, still puzzled why so many people would demonstrate such excitement over a bowel, no matter how super. “There is even one special day for it? Super Bowel Sunday? People are paying money to see this?”

Even more disturbing for the father of six, who has never left Israel, were references to the event’s halftime show, which, if he understood the Super Bowel properly, would involve some lady making baby sounds, presumably in the context of whatever was happening with the bowel in question. “I happy I never go to America, place of filth,” he observed. “What country, what culture, celebrate kaki? And hundred millions? Milliards? Trump not doing something about this? He can maybe build wall to keep people away from this?”

Sztern’s confusion is not the first time an English-language concept has taken an unexpected turn when filtered through Israeli English. In 2001, an American expatriate resident of Modiin launched a chocolate confection business she wanted to name The Big Dipper, referring to the myriad foodstuffs she intended to immerse in melted chocolate. The entrepreneur was forced to choose a different name when a local Rabbi inspecting her facility for compliance with kashrut, asked why she was calling her business “The Big Diaper.”

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