Jerusalem To Shoot Dog Owners Who Fail To Clean Up

Jerusalem, January 30 – Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat has announced that he is empowering municipal workers and concerned citizens to shoot the owners of dogs that leave excrement on the ground and neglect to clean it up within minutes.

Barkat assembled a press conference this morning to publicize the measure and to give city residents notice of the policy change, to go into effect immediately. Until now, dog owners and walkers have been subject to fines of up to NIS 1,000 for the violation, but Barkat asserted that his administration has received unending complaints from residents of all neighborhoods that canine fecal matter can still regularly be found adorning various parts of the city. The problem is especially acute in the historic central neighborhood of Nachlaot, where municipal enforcers are rarely seen, whereas free-running dogs, and their outputs, are frequently visible.

The measure, which he called the Pavement Opening Offensive Program (POOP), calls for each neighborhood council to form a task force devoted to enforcement of the new penalties. Sidewalk Hygiene Improvement Teams will monitor areas that have received complaints, and deploy squads of snipers to take out offenders. Once notified, the next-of-kin will be required both to identify the deceased and see to the proper disposal of the dog feces.

However, since municipal resources cannot be expected to cover all parts of the city in real time, as such a program demands, Barkat will allow private citizens to use their own legally registered firearms to terminate offenders. Although complicated regulations govern the use of assault weapons, the mayor has already applied petitioned the Ministry of the Interior and the Ministry of Internal Security to allow certain exceptions for purposes of POOP, and has argued forcefully that such a program could serve as a model for other cities and municipalities.

“Jerusalem is the most scrutinized city in the world,” said Barkat to the assembled reporters. “And as such we have a responsibility to lead, preferably without fear of stepping in an unpleasant mess while so doing.” He gave cautious praise to the Lupolianski and Olmert administrations before him for enforcing existing measures, but said that there was only so much the authorities could do when the law lacked the teeth necessary to wipe away the phenomenon.

Experts expect a tough battle to get the measure approved in other cities, but did not rule out some legislative surprises, given a renewed focus on quality-of-life issues. Few expect, however, that the bureaucratic and administrative hurdles that the proposal must overcome to become law to give way too easily in most places. Mayors must operate on both local and national levels to implement all the elements of POOP, and the measure might still run afoul of firearms regulations.

As former Mayor Ehud Olmert put it, “The POOP is really going to his the fan on this one, but Mr. Barkat will certainly be hitting us with his best shi – shot. I said shot.”