Jesus At Second Coming: ‘What Are All These Goyim Doing Here?’

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – Jesus of Nazareth, proclaimed the King Messiah by his followers and a spiritual guide to nearly two billion people, after returning as promised, expressed dismay this week at the nearly absolute non-Jewishness of those who venerate him.

“You…you’re all goyim,” he said, using the Hebrew word for “the nations,” referring to those who do not follow the Jewish faith. “What does any of this have to do with you? What business of this is yours? Oy gevalt, what have you people been doing the last two thousand years?” he said to a number of apostles, who shrank from Jesus in obvious shame. “Who’s the putzhead who got the brilliant idea to take this thing and turn it into a sheygetz convention?” he yelled, using a derogatory Yiddish word for gentile.

The son of God glared at a fig tree and caused it to wither. “Are you people meshuggeh?” he continued in growing rage. “I need all these shkotzim like I need more holes in my hands and feet!” he fumed. “Such a shanda for the…those other people.”

But matters only got worse when Jesus discovered that he has been worshiped in ways that the Bible specifically calls abominations, such as being depicted in graven images. Beholding the statues, paintings and sculptures that account for much of medieval and renaissance art, he flew into a fury, lashing into his followers with fierce invective.

“What schmuck thought it would be OK to completely disregard explicit prohibitions, I’d like to know,” Christ was heard to whisper menacingly. His gaze caused the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to peel and several Raphael classics to turn to dust. “The tuchus-for-brains who think it’s just fine to ignore ‘A graven image or molten statue you shall not make’ has got another think coming,” he added, his tone rising.

“It takes a special sort of shmendrick not to realize that it all comes down to money and power,” continued Jesus in crescendo. “I devote my earthly life to fighting against the abuses of wealth and power all around me, and my self-proclaimed representatives on Earth devote themselves to amassing assets and endorsing politicians whose idea of public service makes Pontius Pilate look like a veritable zieskind!” shouted Christ, calling the man who ordered his execution a sweetheart by comparison. A 8.2-magnitude earthquake struck Rome.

The level of Christ’s anger increased even further when he discovered that the Roman Catholic Church had for decades protected abusive priests instead of caring for their victims, and that the same Church had shown only lukewarm opposition to systematic Nazi deportation and extermination of Jews and others during the Second World War. “I sacrifice myself for you, and you don’t even have the courage to maybe stick your little neck out a little from time to time. No, that’s all right, don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here and die for your sins. You go right ahead and keep tolerating evil.” A sinkhole appeared across Europe, taking with it most of Germany, Austria, Poland, Ukraine and Lithuania.

“This is what happens when you put a bunch of goyim in charge of a Jewish endeavor! I lay my life down for all of you and what do I have to show for it? Bupkis! Gornisht! I could plotz!” said Jesus, as flaming hailstones struck ornate, historic cathedrals in Turkey, France, New York and Britain, reducing them to rubble and incinerating the gold, jewels and priceless masterpieces contained within.

At press time, the Roman Catholic Church was planning a fundraising drive for reconstruction of Church properties damaged in the earthquake.

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