Jesus Keeps Turning Muhammad’s Water Into Wine

“If I have to listen to that brat crow one more time about ambushing me with a Polaroid and depicting my likeness, I’m going to snap.”

Heaven, January 31 – The founder of Islam has submitted a grievance to the Almighty alleging that Jesus has been harassing him in the supernal realms by transforming his water into a forbidden alcoholic beverage as Muhammad is about to drink. Alcoholic beverages are proscribed under Islamic law.

The complaint, filed this afternoon, alleges that the Son of God repeatedly and frequently tries to trick Muhammad into imbibing the forbidden intoxicating beverage by sneaking up behind him and waiting until the prophet has already raised the cup to his lips. In the complaint, Muhammad claims that these antics of Jesus have resulted in at least two instances in which the wine made it into the prophet’s mouth before he realized what had happened, and he spit it out lest he swallow even a single forbidden drop.

Ministering angels report that Jesus’s practical jokes targeting Muhammad began to increase following the Jyllands-Posten cartoon controversy of 2005, which saw violent riots throughout the Muslim world in response to forbidden depictions of the prophet. “He just couldn’t resist, I suppose,” observed the archangel Michael. “I must say, it was a welcome change at first, because the new prank is more theologically sophisticated than what he used to do all the time – cause a fig tree to wither whenever anyone would reach for its fruit. Of course by now it’s getting old, but when you experience a thousand human years as a single day, ‘old’ is a relative term.”

“I see what you did there – ‘relative’,” interjected the Son of God. “High five, buddy – OW! You stuck your fingers right through my hand! AAAA- gotcha! There’s a hole there already. Zing!” offered Jesus. The Prince of Peace then went off to find Abraham, hoping to catch the patriarch in the act of serving bread to three heavenly guests, in time to multiply the loaves to a comical degree.

Denizens of Paradise have grumbled for centuries about Jesus’s behavior, but seldom complain directly to the Lord, given the father-son relationship involved. Muhammad, however, has simply had enough. “We’re supposed to be having a beatific experience,” he insisted. “If I have to listen to that brat crow one more time about ambushing me with a Polaroid and depicting my likeness, I’m going to snap. I might have to take a page out of my followers’ playbook and get violent. Anyone know what happens to you if you’re already dead and you become a suicide bomber? Where my virgins at, you hear what I’m sayin’?”