“It’s just coincidence that Balaam and Jesus were killed at exactly the same age, and a man named Jesus was killed for abusing his spiritual power to perform miracles at around the same time that the more famous Jesus met the same fate.”
The Afterlife, January 19 – The man revered by Christians as the Son of God has the sneaking suspicion that when the Rabbis of the Jewish body of lore known as the Talmud referred to the Biblical prophet Balaam in unflattering terms, they were really talking about him.
Jesus of Nazareth, who was executed by Roman authorities in 33 CE, told confidantes this week that for years he has harbored doubts about the literal use of “Balaam” in a set of Talmudic passages describing the Aramean sorcerer’s abuse of spiritual power and potential. One passage, especially, has been gnawing at the Christian Messiah, a statement that contrasts the generosity and positivity of Abraham with the selfishness and lust of Balaam.
“I wish they’d just come out and say it,” muttered the Prince of Peace. “I mean, I understand the need to self-censor when my followers were looking for any excuse to pillage some Jews, but that wasn’t always the case. But it’s just believable enough to refer specifically to Balaam himself. They’ve got plausible deniability, so I don’t quite know what to do with this suspicion. I don’t want to confront them about it and end up looking like a fool. But maybe some of the passages are slights against me and some are literally about Balaam and only Balaam.”
Jesus recalled an attempt to clarify the matter somewhat by visiting Balaam in the bowels of Hell, but was unable to stand the stench and could not enter. “They’re got the guy being boiled in a vat of semen for all eternity,” explained the son of Mary. “I couldn’t get close enough to discuss it.”
A second suspicious passage involves a discussion between a “heretic” – in Talmudic language often a term for an early Christian – and a Rabbi as to the age of Balaam when he was killed by “Phineas the Robber.” The sage answers 33, based on a verse in Psalms. “‘Pinkhas HaListai’ could be a way of saying ‘Pontius Pilate,'” observed Jesus. “The the ‘heretic’ confirms it appears in his books. Coincidence? I can’t tell.”
Talmudic Rabbis who were asked about the allegations professed ignorance. “Balaam is Balaam and Jesus is Jesus,” insisted Yehoshua ben Hananiah, an early-second-century sage. “I mean, we’re the ones who taught that Balaam is being boiled for eternity in semen, and as you can see, Jesus isn’t. It’s just coincidence that Balaam and Jesus were killed at exactly the same age, and a man named Jesus was killed for abusing his spiritual power to perform miracles at around the same time that the more famous Jesus met the same fate.”
“We Jews like ambiguity,” added the sage, with a wink that may just have been a meaningless spasm.
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