“I can’t even get my kids out of the door on time in the mornings. They think I’ve got a hand in engineering open borders?”
Jerusalem, March 17 – A member of an ethnoreligious community widely criticized for causing every major evil plaguing the world voiced his concerns today that he feels incapable of perpetrating even one of those myriad alleged evils, and suspects that his family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and acquaintances of the same ethnoreligious persuasion have similar disinclinations – leading him to think he will end up disappointing those knowledgeable people who spread the criticism.
Chayim Goldberg, 38, told reporters today of his fear that the antisemites of the world will find his failure to control his own finances, let alone the global banking system, a tremendous letdown. He likewise frets that his manifest inability to own even a fraction of a media enterprise falls far short of what Jew-haters will accept.
“It’s stressful – I have these standards to live up to – well, down to, I guess,” the father of five acknowledged. “But I can’t even get my kids out of the door on time in the mornings. Yet they think that by dint of my community, I’ve got a hand in engineering open borders in the West? I’m having a hard time squaring the super-competence they impute to me and my, uh, not exactly high-competence family, with the messy reality.”
“Also who has the time to control politicians?” he wondered. “That sounds like a lot more work than I could handle. Like any of my friends or relatives could handle. And don’t even think about invoking concepts like ‘teamwork.’ You ever met my friends and family? You ever even set foot inside a synagogue? Preparations for any Jewish community event anywhere, ever?”
Goldberg expressed particular exasperation at the notion that he and his kind devote themselves to behaviors such as consuming the blood of non-Jewish children in Passover matza. “It’s like people have no idea about Jewish digestive issues,” he observed. “My nuclear family alone has people with lactose intolerance, celiac disease, Crohn’s disease, tree nut and peanut allergies, and assorted other sensitivities. We’re supposed to be introducing blood into that fustercluck? No thank you.”
Antisemites dismissed Goldberg’s concerns. “Jews are crafty,” assured Jake Shields. “I’m sure he’ll find time to manipulate stock markets between stints as an IDF sniper targeting Palestinian kids, which all Israelis do, and all Jews support them. They’re extra flexible because of the circumcision. You can’t trust a Jew’s incompetence.”
“But mine, you can trust completely,” he added. “Imagine how pathetic we almost eight billion goyim must be if we’re under the control of fifteen million Jews.”
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