Jewish Students In Campus Pillowfight Accused Of Disproportionate Force

“We have to protect the vulnerable population of pillow-fighters who did not ask to be hit.”

Oberlin, Ohio, December 14 – A student activity intended to break the social ice and relieve some academic tension at a venerable academic institution has resulted in several Jewish participants facing accusations that they overreacted to other participants’ swinging pillows at them.

The annual Quad Pillow Fight at Oberlin College took place Monday night as scheduled despite frigid temperatures, and the students engaged in the traditional every-man-for-himself melee. By the time the two-hour event concluded, student groups such as Students for Justice in Palestine, Jewish Voice for Peace, and JStreetU were charging that Jewish participants in particular were putting excessive force behind the blows they struck with their pillows.

“We have reports of injuries from some of our members that they were targeted by Jewish students – probably Zionist ones – and pummeled with energy and force well beyond the bounds of what is reasonable for a knock-down, drag-out pillow fight,” asserted Ali Latdam, VP of the Oberlin chapter of SJP. “We demand that the administration open an investigation into these attacks and initiate disciplinary action against the guilty.”

“We have to protect the vulnerable population of pillow-fighters who did not ask to be hit,” seconded Lou Dikress of JVP. “Our organization calls upon this institution to put a stop to the abuses taking place under their aegis. We even have reports of Jewish attackers laughing as they engage in this wanton brutality. No institution that claims to uphold liberal values will tolerate such behavior.”

Jewish students expressed bewilderment and anger at the charges. “It’s a pillow fight, for heaven’s sake,” commented Karitt Kushner, a sophomore and member of Hillel. “What were these people expecting, a sedate duel with feathers? The annual pillow fight is war. Everybody knows that. Last year two people got concussions and one broke an arm, not to mention the abrasions, scratches, and bruises we all got.”

Jewish student leaders have demanded that the college medical office release data on the number and severity of injuries from the fight over several years for comparison’s sake, a measure that SJP and JVP oppose. “That’s just a delaying tactic,” charged Latdam. “Everybody knows the truth. Just look at these images of our members limping – no, not the ones that show them already limping before the pillow fight. Pretend you never saw those. The ones that pluck your heartstrings. Look, look at this student. What cruel monster would want to hit her just because she’s swinging a pillow?”

“Oh, crap, I forgot to photoshop out the rocks she put in that pillowcase,” he muttered.

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