JNF Shifts To Planting Only Gharqad Trees

“We intend to have over five million in place by 2030.”

Jerusalem Forest, August 8 – In what organization executives are calling a strategic move aimed at enhancing both the ecology and defense of the country, the Jewish National Fund will phase out the planting of trees that are not of the gharqad variety, and focus exclusively on the gharqad.

Chairman of the JNF Directorate Danny Atar announced today that the board had voted by a clear majority to move away from its reliance on pine trees and toward a local variety of boxwood called gharqad in Arabic, which reportedly has properties that will help Jews conceal themselves from Muslims in the final apocalyptic battle. The plan calls for a phasing out of non-gharqad varieties by 2020.

“The mission of the Jewish National Fund has always been the reclamation of the land of Israel for the Jewish people,” declared Atar at a press conference. “Of course the land is only important insofar as it participates in the maintenance of Jewish survival and sovereignty. Therefore the Directorate has voted overwhelmingly to invest in the gharqad, which will not betray us to the Muslims.”

The JNF, established in 1901, has planted more than 250 million trees in the land of Israel, and manages the country’s forests on behalf of the Ministry of Agriculture. It also owns or administers much of the country’s land, and exercises control over the sale, lease, allocation, and purpose of those lands. Most of the JNF’s funds come from affiliated organizations abroad, with the largest contributor JNF-USA. Atar said he had discussed the issue last month with JNF-USA Chairman Ronald Lauder and other heads of international affiliates, and all agreed on the plan.

“We would be derelict in our duties not to plant the gharqad,” explained Atar. “Cypress and cedar pines are important, but it’s time to move on to more strategically helpful species. My colleagues and I concurred that the gharqad is the wisest species to plant, and we intend to have hundreds of thousands of gharqads growing throughout the country by the start of the next decade, with over five million in place by 2030.” Each gharqad, it is estimated, can magically conceal dozens of Jews.

A representative of the Hamas movement expressed bewilderment at the JNF initiative. “You mean they believe that Islamic nonsense?” asked an incredulous Mahmoud al-Zahar in Gaza. “Jesus Christ, even we don’t do that. Islam is just a convenient way to channel our political propaganda and to justify our violent policies. I have no specific comment on the trees.”