Johnny Depp To Give Scarves To Palestinians To Use As Slingshots

“The ones Palestinians have been using since way back in the First Intifada of the late 1980’s are a fashion faux pas.”

Los Angeles, September 5 – The award-winning actor who portrayed Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, Captain Jack Sparrow, and other memorable cinematic characters has announced that he will donate his surplus scarves to the Palestine Liberation Organization so that the latter can distribute the items to youths throughout the Occupied Territories to be used to hurl rocks and other projectiles at Israelis.

Johnny Depp, a three-time Oscar nominee and winner of numerous other awards, issued a statement through his publicist this morning to the effect that the hundreds, perhaps thousands, of scarves languishing unused in the actor’s wardrobe would be put to better use as slingshots. In the statement, Depp expressed support for the Palestinian cause and described the donation of the scarves as his personal contribution to the fight against Israeli military rule.

“I have more scarves than I know what to do with,” read the statement. “It would be irresponsible and selfish of me to continue to hoard these items, as stylish as they may be, when millions of Palestinians suffer with makeshift resources for constructing weapons. The scarves can function both as slingshots and as improvised apparatuses for concealing one’s face and for filtering out tear gas. And to be perfectly honest, the ones Palestinians have been using since way back in the First Intifada of the late 1980’s are a fashion faux pas that has on more than one occasion given me second thoughts about the justice of their cause.”

Clu Liss, Depp’s publicist, explained that the the actor had come to the conclusion that donating the many additional scarves was the only way to manage his extensive collection. “Mr. Depp has no problem changing his outfit many times a day, and wearing several scarves at once – that, in fact, is his modus operandi under most circumstances,” she noted. “But even if he never wears the same scarf twice, he’ll never wear the many other scarves he has, some of which are duplicates anyway. It’s a win-win situation. The Palestinians get a large number of fashionable accessories with which to conduct their resistance, and Johnny Depp frees up space in his closets.”

Hollywood reporters and commentators drew a connection between the actor’s recent marriage troubles and his newfound interest in high-profile public interest work. “I don’t think it’s so much an effort at distracting people from his physical abuse of his wife as it is a way of escaping the confines of the moviemaking world, where nothing seems real anymore,” offered gossip columnist Gabby Van Slander. “If you ask me, I think he’s looking to inject some new meaning into his life, and devoting himself to a cause is an effective way of doing that.”

“I also rather suspect there’s something vicarious going on, since Palestinian violence is consistently the only kind that the world seems to approve of under all circumstances, and he’d love to get a piece of that action.”

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