In Nod To BDS, Jesus To Avoid Appearing On Israeli Toast

Christ said He hopes His move will lead other divine figures to take similar steps to help inspire humanity to right injustices.

Heaven, July 30 – The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ finally weighed in directly on the controversial Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel today, telling reporters that effective immediately He would make it a point never to make His image appear on toasted bread in any areas under Israeli control.

Christ, age 2020, had heretofore largely remained silent on the wisdom or morality of BDS, letting His various self-proclaimed representatives determine what His divine Will had to say on the subject. However, with rival splinter groups of numerous church denominations producing conflicting guidelines, Jesus decided the time had come to lay the issue to rest, and clarify where He stood. At a press conference this morning, the Lamb of God, flanked at the heavenly podium by His mother and her husband, officially stated that henceforth He would withhold His divine image from toast in the modern State of Israel, with the aim of highlighting the injustice of Israeli policies.

“The last century has seen destruction and atrocities, evil beyond what humanity could have foreseen, leading many to ask, ‘Where was God?'” said the Christ. “On the question of the Israeli Occupation, however, which is obviously far and away the most heinous crime in history, I could no longer remain silent. While I have reservations about the full scope of BDS activity and motives, My Will is that no visage of Mine shall grace the toasted bread slices within the territory currently under Israeli sovereignty or occupation.”

Christ said He hopes His move will inspire other divine figures to take similar steps to help inspire humanity to right injustices. “I have been trying to get the Buddha to make an unequivocal demonstration of his displeasure at the People’s Republic of China’s treatment of Tibet,” noted the Savior of all humanity, who died on the Cross for all sin. “He has hesitated, but perhaps all that was missing was My action, as an example for others.” He added that He was holding off on making similar requests of Zeus, Aphrodite, and the various members of the Greek pantheon while the Euro crisis remains unresolved, and that the various Teutonic gods, under the circumstances, were not in a compliant mood.

The Lord declined to respond to reports that some Israeli right-wing activists planned to import toasters designed to impart Christ’s image onto every slice.