Jurisdiction Dispute Over Jesus’s Passport Delays Second Coming

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Jerusalem, September 10 – The Christian Savior has had his prophesied return delayed again following disagreement among Israeli, Jordanian, and Palestinian officials over which political entity will handle his travel documents.

Jesus Christ, who had foretold his return after coming back to life after being crucified nearly two thousand years ago, attempted to enter Jerusalem yesterday to fulfill that promise, but was stymied when the Palestinian and Jordanian governments each protested that they, not Israel, should handle the official record of his arrival. Israel currently controls all of Jerusalem and considers the undivided city its capital. Jordan had control of the eastern sections, including the ancient Old City, between 1948 and 1967, while the Palestinians are engaged in an effort to oust Israel from all areas taken in 1967 and assert their political independence there. Processing Jesus’s passport would constitute a political and diplomatic coup almost on par with recognition of Palestine as a member state by the UN Security Council.

While the Palestinians and Jordanians agreed that Israel must not be allowed to demonstrate its jurisdiction over all of Jerusalem, each one insisted that its own ties to the city superseded the other’s, and that Jesus should therefore grant divine legitimacy to only that government’s claim. Although the Jordanian Arab legion captured and occupied the West Bank, including Jerusalem’s eastern neighborhoods, in the 1948 attempt to stamp out the nascent Israel, its annexation of the land was only recognized by three other countries. Nevertheless, Jordan often tries to assert a special privilege regarding Jerusalem, a privilege they hope to see endorsed by none other than the Lamb of God.

Palestinians, who have never had a state of their own, have ambitions to establish one with Jerusalem as its capital, but Israel has repeatedly declared it will never acquiesce to an arrangement that divides the city again and threatens to cut off Jewish access to holy and historic sites. Under the 1993 Oslo Accords, the final status of all disputed territory is to be established through negotiations, though each side often attempts to maneuver in such a way that the outcome of those negotiations – currently suspended – has already been determined on the ground. Divine support for either side’s official passport control bureaucracy will be wielded as just such a “fact on the ground” in any final arrangement.

None of the parties has actually tried listening to determine the divine will.