Kerry Suggests Giving GOP $100 Billion To Bolster Moderates

After all, it worked with Iran.

Washington, February 25 – As the presidential campaign heats up, Secretary of State John Kerry weighed in on the prospect of a Republican victory in November by proposing a repeat of the diplomatic success he arranged with Iran last year to induce the party establishment to moderate its views by having the Democrats give them hundreds of billions of dollars.

In a meeting with Democratic Party donors today, Secretary Kerry explained that just as the release of astronomical sums of cash to the Ayatollah’s regime has caused Iran to take a more moderate stance on an array of issues that he will list once he thinks of any, the Republicans can be presented with a similar financial package that will make them endorse less extreme positions on gun control, abortion, immigration, taxes, health care, and the place of religion in government contexts.

“Once we signed the nuclear deal with Iran, things got much smoother,” explained Kerry. “It only took them a day to release our sailors that they took hostage and mistreated, for example. So if we put our wallets together on this, we can ensure that even if the Democratic nominee loses in November, whoever emerges as the next Republican president won’t be so hard for us to deal with. That’s how we deal with problematic radicals.”

He also proposed that to help the GOP moderate, Democrats refrain from criticizing or opposing Republican moves in the coming months. “If we act toward Republicans as we’re been acting toward Iran, we’ll end up in a good place, a place of consensus,” the secretary continued. He cited the Obama administration’s opposition to increased sanctions against Iran, as sought by Congress, and the president’s unwillingness to confront Tehran on everything from obvious violations of the nuclear deal to the regime’s political repression, sponsorship of terrorism, and kidnapping of American citizens to be tried on trumped-up charges.

A Kerry aide noted several ways in which Iran has moderated as a result of being given billions. “The most recent example, of course, is Iran’s pledge yesterday to pay the family of every Palestinian who attacks Israelis $7,000,” said Wilby Dormatz, “and $30,000 to anyone whose house is demolished by Israel in response. They couldn’t afford to be so free with those funds if not for the billions we’ve given them. Can you imagine how radical their behavior would get if we hadn’t drowned them in all that cash?”

Dormatz emphasized, however, that the Democrats will most certainly draw a red line at anything that points to a repaired relationship with Israel.

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