Khamenei Finds Mossad Tunnel Behind Poster Of Raquel Welch

The stolen binders were replaced by replicas containing nothing but old copies of the Qur’an.

Credit: WP:NFCC#4 via Wikimedia Commons

Tehran, May 1 – Iran’s Supreme Leader discovered a secret passageway in his headquarters that Israeli intelligence used in obtaining a large quantity of classified material on the Islamic Republic’s nuclear weapons program, PreOccupied Territory has learned, after checking behind a large photo of a Hollywood sex symbol of the 1960’s and 70’s.

According to eyewitness accounts, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei flew into a rage at Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s televised presentation Monday night detailing the printed and magnetic media that the Mossad had obtained in a bold operation from deep inside a facility thought to be secure. During the tirade the Supreme Leader seized a chess piece and flung it at a poster of Raquel Welch from a publicity still for the 1966 film One Million B.C. that features the actress in a doe-skin bikini. Instead of bouncing off the solid wall behind the poster, the piece pierced the paper and disappeared, making faint noises of clanking down a tunnel. Khamenei and his staff peeled back the Welch poster to reveal the entrance to a tunnel wide enough to fit the boxes of archival material that the Mossad had stolen.

Subsequent investigation found that the tunnel led outside the facility, to a spot where Mossad agents are now thought to have loaded the binders and discs into a crate for a flight out of the country. The revelation threatens to undermine the prestige and authority of the Supreme Leader, whose abuses of power have become well-known, but whose allies and strongmen have so far managed to avoid or suppress long-term negative consequences. Israel’s access to the sensitive archival material and Netanyahu’s willingness to share it with others such as US President Donald Trump carries dangerous implications for the survival of President Obama’s 2015 deal with Iran to limit the latter’s nuclear weapons program, as it demonstrates Khamenei and his officials have been less than forthright about the regime’s past efforts in that regard, calling into question their commitment to the deal.

A wave of interrogations now faces large swaths of Iran’s intelligence and nuclear weapons programs as officials seek to determine what lapses, negligence, or malice may have allowed the Mossad to achieve the wholesale removal of the materials, which were replaced by replicas containing nothing but old copies of the Qur’an. Complicating matters, the officials themselves cannot escape suspicion, as a breach of such magnitude suggests high-ranking complicity or failure, leading experts to anticipate the arrest of at least one strongman.

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