Khamenei, IRGC Bigwigs Fitted With Lights To Prevent Getting Spooked By Own Shadows

Israel has hacked the personal lighting systems, as well, causing them to turn off at inconvenient times.

Tehran, May 2 – Continued Israeli operational impunity deep inside the Islamic Republic has so scared the regime’s leaders that they have ordered the installation on the outer clothing of senior figures a system of luminescent fixtures to prevent any of those important officials from beholding the shade cast by their own bodies and crapping their pants as a result.

Precise Israeli targeting of Iranian military assets, following years of audacious assassinations of Iranian military and nuclear higher-ups, in addition to numerous sabotage operations, have long caused Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and the command of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps – Iran’s chief vehicle for waging proxy wars throughout the region – existential worry. The killing in early April of practically the entire IRGC Syria command in an airstrike in Damascus, which prompted a swarm of ineffective Iranian drone and ballistic missile attacks on Israel, in turn led to further Israeli strikes against targets deep inside Iran itself that demonstrated the free hand that Israel enjoys there in terms of intelligence and operations, with the unspoken message that, should Israel decide to, it could kill every single high-ranking Iranian official.

That realization has sparked paranoia among the mullahs and their military minions. To prevent all of the senior member of the regime from getting spooked by their own shadows, Khamenei ordered everyone over the rank of major in the IRGC and Iranian military, plus anyone holding a position of Deputy Minister or higher, to wear a system of lights that eliminate all of that person’s shadow within a thirty-meter radius.

Reports have come from Iran, however, that the installation has often not gone smoothly, and that officials have had to cannibalize crucial systems for parts to supply all candidates with the requisite equipment. As a result, witnesses noted, the much-touted Countdown to Israel’s Destruction Clock in central Tehran no longer has any working components, and several factories producing loitering munitions for Russia to use against Ukraine – and which featured in Iran’s failed retaliation against Israel several weeks ago – have fallen behind on production.

To make matters worse, still other reports have emerged that Israel has hacked the personal lighting systems, as well, causing them to turn off at inconvenient times and produce the dreaded shadows; to flash in epileptic-seizure-inducing manner; and to spell out insulting messages in Farsi.

The regime has so far responded fiercely against women walking around in public with any bit of hair showing.

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