Kid With Non-Androgynous Name Baffles Tel Aviv Social Services

“You have to go to like a foreign country or something to encounter something like this. Or leave Tel Aviv, which is functionally the same thing.”

Tel Aviv, February 23 – Municipal welfare personnel voiced perplexity today upon encountering a bizarre family situation – native Israeli parents of secular mindset who gave a name to their child that does not leave the child’s sex ambiguous.

Tel Aviv Welfare Department social workers and administrators admitted Tuesday that they remain at a loss to address the needs of a ten-year-old boy named Uzi, which has to their knowledge never been used as a girl’s name, a case that leaves them baffled, as the occurrence of names among secular Israelis that clearly indicate whether the name’s bearer is either male or female remains vanishingly rare.

“It’s just… weird,” admitted Gal Harpaz, a district administrator. “Who names a kid something so out of the ordinary? Bar, Ohr, Shahar, Yonah, Yuval, Carmel, Shefa, Shoham, Yarden, Adi, Tziyon, Liran, No’am, Tal, Hen, Ariel, Nitzan, Ma’ayan, Be’eri, Lior, Liron, Shai, Hallel, Doron, Sharon, Gili, Hadar, Roni, Sasha, Hod, Tomer, Noy, Shir, Dani – there’s no shortage of perfectly serviceable androgynous names from which to choose. What kind of twisted world view does a parent have to have to give a name that leaves no confusion as to the kid’s sex? We’re going to have to discuss as a team how to cope with this case, because none of us have experience with anything of the sort.”

“I couldn’t believe it when one of my colleagues described the case,” recalled Pe’er Levin, a social worker not involved in the case. “I was like, ‘What, was “Shoham” taken?’ It’s unreal. This kid is going to face some serious difficulties in life, and I’m not sure any of us, including his relatives, are equipped to prepare him adequately for it.”

Observers not in the municipal child welfare system voiced similar puzzlement. “You have to go to like a foreign country or something to encounter something like this,” noted Ramat Aviv family therapist Zohar Frydman. “Or leave Tel Aviv, which is functionally the same thing. The point is, our culture left behind unambiguous names long ago, along with outdated notions such as respect for parents and reasons to maintain Jewish identity. My guess is the city will end up removing little Uzi from his parents’ custody because they’ve demonstrated they’re incapable of making rational decisions regarding his upbringing. I’m actually surprised he only recently came onto Child Protective Services radar. You’d think of all the day care workers, schoolteachers, or babysitters who’ve encountered him in all this time, at least several would have alerted them by now. It’s all just so strange.”

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