Kim/Kanye Visit Makes Wall Actually Wail

The media hullabaloo surrounding the impending arrival at the Wailing Wall of the mega-star couple drove home to the sacred Temple remnant just how far humanity has sunk.

Jerusalem, April 13 – One of the last remnants of King Herod’s magnificent Temple structure released an audible cry this morning after being informed that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian intend to visit while in Israel this week, worshipers reported.

The Western Wall, built to help retain an augmented, enlarged Temple Mount two thousand years ago as part of a massive renovation project, overheard several tourists discussing the itinerary of the entertainment couple, at which point it began wailing and sobbing for a full twenty minutes. Eyewitnesses reported that the wall, revered by Jews as holy, then continued to occasionally whimper, “Why me, Lord? Why me?” and “When will it end?” over the course of the day.

West, a renowned hip-hop artist, and his wife, Kim Kardashian, of reality television fame, landed today (Monday) in Israel for a tour of various holy sites and famous locations, attracting fans and paparazzi, and displacing, at least temporarily, other celebrities on the homepage of Ynet, the most popular Hebrew news source. The media hullabaloo surrounding the impending arrival at the Wailing Wall of the mega-star couple drove home to the sacred Temple remnant just how far humanity has sunk, and how large the distance remains to redemption from the mire of everything West and Kardashian represent and foster, says Rabbi Gad Facepalm, who has written extensively on issues of materialism and exile.

“A celebrity couple visiting the Wall would not, by itself, be cause for consternation,” explained Rabbi Facepalm in an e-mail. “Rather, it is the hype that such people generate and encourage wherever they go and whatever they do, portraying profound narcissism and the pursuit of ever-greater gambits for attention and admiration as worthy values. The Wall, as the repository of divine presence in this world in the absence of the Temple in its full glory, cannot help but weep for a world that flocks to the banner of such meaninglessness.”

The Wall has reacted to world events before, notably issuing a series of hearty guffaws when Donald Trump questioned the authenticity of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Trump told NBC in 2011 that he had sent researchers to Hawaii to investigate the matter of Obama’s citizenship status, saying, “They cannot believe what they’re finding.” No revelation or information was ever subsequently published, and the Wall was heard to moan in disappointment when Trump later announced he would not run for president in the 2012 elections.

Other reactions include the rejection of certain people’s notes that are customarily folded up and placed in the Wall’s carious crevices, notes that contain prayers or requests; the Wall’s holiness and proximity to the location of the Temple’s holiest chamber have long inspired the feeling that special access could be achieved through such notes. However, following a visit by then-Senator and presidential-hopeful Obama in 2008, the Wall was seen to spit out the note the candidate placed between its stones, and say, “Eww.”