King David Hotel Making Sure Only To Send Male Staff To Bill Clinton’s Suite

“It wouldn’t do to have this historic, reputable institution get its name soiled in association with any scandal.”

Jerusalem, September 29 – The management of the hotel where former US President Bill Clinton is staying in order to attend Shimon Peres’s funeral tomorrow is seeking to avoid trouble, and has therefore decided not to use any female employees to attend to Clinton’s suite or staff.

Clinton arrived today in advance of the formal burial and eulogy proceedings tomorrow. He is one of dozens of leaders, former leaders, and dignitaries scheduled to pay last respects to Peres, Israel’s ninth president and the country’s last remaining founding father, who died early Wednesday morning. Clinton was instrumental in cementing the 1993 peace agreement between Israel and the Palestine Liberation Organization, and counted Peres, one of the deal’s architects, among his friends. Hotel manager Sepra Tzeeting told reporters the staff had taken extensive precautions to minimize Clinton’s contact with females during his visit, especially females between the ages of sixteen and forty-five.

“It wouldn’t do to have this historic, reputable institution get its name soiled in association with any scandal,” he explained. “So while we’re privileged and honored to be the venue of choice for President Clinton, we cannot put half of our staff at risk of sexual predation. I’m sure he’s a very nice man in general, but we’re only going to sending men his way for the next day or two.”

The concern is especially acute, added Tzeeting, since the former president’s wife Hillary is unable to attend due to campaign pressures, and Bill remains effectively unsupervised. “It’s something of a headache for us that he’s not really chaperoned, but we can handle it. If Zippergate taught us anything, it’s that it’s outside the the Secret Service’s mandate to keep its charges away from hanky-panky, so we have to take out own precautions.”

Clinton’s itinerary took him directly from the airport to the Knesset, where Peres’s casket lies in state. In the meantime, King David management is reconfiguring its roster of room service, cleaning, and maintenance personnel to keep the women away from him. In the meantime, Knesset security made sure that the detail on hand for the occasion includes only males in positions expected to be anywhere near Clinton. Similar preparations are underway for the funeral tomorrow, including patrols in more secluded areas of the Mt. Herzl cemetery where a discreet liaison might otherwise occur.

Concern persists that Clinton might find occasions outside the hotel and cemetery to sow his oats, but that lies beyond the purview and responsibility of King David management. “If it happens elsewhere, that’s less of a problem for us,” said Assistant Manager Vy Aggra. “I don’t blame the guy too much, actually. Israeli women are hot.”