Kool-Aid Man Joins IDF House Demolition Squad

A Defense Ministry spokesman described the deal as a “breakthrough.”

Tel Aviv, January 31 – Ministry of Defense officials announced a new contract today with Kool-Aid Man, an expert in breaking through walls who will help the IDF demolish Palestinian homes more efficiently.

Tarkiz Petel, a spokesman for the ministry, told reporters that among a series of outside contractors newly engaged to perform support roles is the celebrity mascot for Kool-Aid, a six-foot(183-cm)-tall glass pitcher filled with the refreshing eponymous beverage. The new contractor’s role will involve bursting through walls that might otherwise pose engineering challenges.

“We are please to announce we have reached an agreement with Mr. Kool-Aid Man to assist us in demolishing illegally-built structures in the areas under IDF control, and destroying the houses of terrorists,” said Petel. “His services will add punch to our enforcement and deterrence efforts.”

Petel explained that the logistics involved in demolishing a building, even a small one, in a hostile environment are complex enough without the additional concerns regarding the transportation of the necessary heavy equipment and personnel, and that Kool-Aid Man would enable the IDF to reduce expenditures and depletion of resources. “We just need to get him in there, suggest there’s thirst behind the wall, and point him in the right direction. It’s much more efficient than having to drag a team of engineers and equipment, possibly under fire, to conduct the operation.” Instead, he explained, a single truck carrying the contractor would have to accompany the escorting troops, and described the deal as a “breakthrough.”

Kool-Aid Man weighs approximately as much as an adult African elephant when his liquid contents are at maximum, and he suffers no adverse effects from repeatedly bursting through brick walls or steel-reinforced concrete. He also appears to require no maintenance other than periodic refills of his proprietary soft drink. Kool-Aid is manufactured in the US, which means the procurement of the substance will be covered in full by the terms of the $3.5 billion in Foreign Military Funding that the US provides Israel each year. It can be delivered in powder form and reconstituted at the IDF’s convenience, and ordered directly by the IDF using one of 14 National Stock Numbers with which NATO tracks logistical supplies.

Opponents of the house-demolition policy, and of the IDF presence beyond the 1949 armistice line with Jordan, denounced the mascot. “The children of Palestine thirst for freedom,” argued Rania Khalek, a proponent of the BDS movement. “We call on Kool-Aid to cease this behavior at once. I mean, the guy belongs behind bars for participating in these crimes, but that might not work so well.”

The mascot himself, already on his way to Israel, offered a two-word response to reporters seeking comment on the deal: “OH, YEAH!”

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