Left Insists Hezekiah Give Half Of Jerusalem To Assyrians

“Let’s face it, in any case, the Assyrians are a demographic time bomb.”

Jerusalem, June 5 – Leaders of the self-styled Peace Camp in the Kingdom of Judah are urging King Hezekiah to surrender half of the capital city to the Assyrian army under Sennacherib, palace sources are reporting.

Assyrian forces have begun to encamp around Jerusalem and lay siege to the city to force its surrender, and various figures on the political left are arguing that concessions to Sennacherib are the only way to resolve the conflict, including letting the Assyrians take control of large swaths of the Holy City.

The Assyrian expeditionary force has already captured the Northern Kingdom and exiled its populace to places unknown in Mesopotamia, and taken most of the southern kingdom of Judah, save for Jerusalem and several isolated outposts. Concessions proved useless in resolving the conflicts to date, but the leaders of the left believe Sennacherib and his troops will leave the Jews alone if they are given valuable parts of Jerusalem such as the Temple Mount, the City of David, and the Mount of Olives.

“We have defied the will of the international community for too long,” insisted Ravshakeh Livni, who was once an adviser to the king but changed loyalties. “The king appears bent on ignoring what the Philistines, Emorites, Moabites, Canaanites, Arameans, and other regional powers through the ages have demanded. It is time to end the militarism and start negotiating. Maybe then they’ll stop and we’ll have peace once and for all.”

Ravshakeh has accused the king’s advisers of adhering to an unworkable, extremist religious agenda that only jeopardizes the chances of a lasting peace settlement. “This is the most right-wing government in the history of the kingdom,” pronounced the former royal confidant. “What kind of peace-seeker can in good conscience take advice from the prophet Isaiah, who supports the most primitive religious sensibilities? We don’t need that kind of backward, ninth-century BCE thinking in these modern, enlightened times, and we certainly don’t need Isaiah using the royal court to coerce the rest of us into following his dictates.”

Ravshakeh and his allies have faced accusations of treason, charges that he dismisses as attempts to stifle his freedom of expression. “I am well within my rights to advocate for a just solution for the 180,000 Assyrian soldiers who came here for conquest and pillage,” he insisted. “I will not be silenced for my views, however unpopular they may be in some circles. Let’s face it, in any case, the Assyrians are a demographic time bomb, and our only hope of maintaining Jewish sovereignty is to cede them some territory and guarantee ourselves a Jewish majority in the area we retain. We can’t expect any miracles to solve this problem for us overnight.”