Man Argues For Pepperoni Pizza Exception To Meat-Dairy Ban

“Ask for your manna to taste like it tomorrow and you’ll understand.”

Wilderness of Sinai, July 28 – An Israelite studying the new set of laws that Moses transmitted to the people from the Almighty took issue today with the teaching that the commandment not to cook a young goat in its mother’s milk refers to a broader prohibition of meat and dairy products heated together, because such a broad interpretation of the statute means no one may enjoy pizza with a spicy, American-style salami topping, and the LORD could not possibly have meant to keep Israel from experiencing such gustatory pleasure.

Zimri ben Saul of the Tribe of Simeon attempted today to gain an audience with Moses to set forth his argument, which features the aforementioned plea buttressed by textual evidence that the prohibition must mean a narrower ban than their leader has taught. He shared his contentions with others waiting for Moses to adjudicate their issues, none of whom appeared to understand his terminology.

“I’m telling you, pepperoni pizza is da bomb,” declaimed ben-Saul to anyone who would listen. Noticeable distance began to develop between him and other petitioners.

“My reasoning is like this,” he continued, to no one in particular. “First of all, you have to try pepperoni pizza. There’s a reason thirty-six percent of all pizzas in the U.S. have that topping. Oh my G- oh my goodness it’s to die for. Second, I understand that the idiom of ‘a kid in its mother’s milk’ means more than just one way of preparing and consuming meat and dairy together; I just think that there’s nothing forcing us to interpret it so generously that we need to bar one of life’s great pleasures.”

“Look, there’s already some wiggle room in whether non-domesticated, ‘clean’ species, such as deer or gazelle, for example, are even included,” he went on, his voice getting louder, “let alone poultry. And I’m pretty sure the milk-meat prohibition only applies to ‘clean’ species in general, not to pork. I get that we’re not allowed to eat pork, which is, like, a major component of pepperoni, but you can produce a reasonable pepperoni facsimile with just beef, or maybe turkey. Come on, I don’t care that no one here knows what turkey is yet, or pepperoni, or even pizza. You just have to trust me, the stuff is out-of-this-world delicious. Ask for your manna to taste like it tomorrow and you’ll understand.”

A spokesman for Moses disclosed that the Almighty intends to delay His people’s discovery of pizza, chocolate, coffee, potatoes, and other heavenly delicacies for several centuries at least, and that the troublemaker, who for some reason speaks a yet-undeveloped language called English, will be made to quietly disappear.

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