Man Explains Perpetual Tardiness As Rejection Of Culture That Produced Nazism

He arrived at his conscious ideological position after years of implementing it in practice.

Jerusalem, October 24 – A resident with a propensity for lateness insisted today that his habitual tardiness represents a philosophical position that specifically differs from the punctuality of the culture that gave rise to the Holocaust, and not, as uninformed observer might surmise, a tendency born of laziness and poor planning.

Yaakov Shpeter, 40, went into some detail with a reporter Thursday morning after the latter observed him reaching the Ministry of the Interior office at 9:15 AM for an 8:30 AM appointment, informing the journalist that anything approaching precise adherence to a schedule or time commitments constitutes an implicit endorsement of German punctuality, which, in the wake of the massacre of six million Jews at German initiative, Jews must avoid as a moral imperative.

“Just as many of us refrain from buying German cars or German appliances, or listening to music by Wagner, for example, we must also avoid stereotypical German traits such as being on time, ever,” the small business owner opined, unprompted. “I have taken it upon myself to demonstrate this virtue where others might think it commendable to emulate those antisemites.”

Shpeter arrived at his conscious ideological position after years of implementing it in practice without awareness of its moral imperative. “It turns out I’ve been doing the right thing for decades,” he recalled. “I just didn’t know it until recently. When I finally realized it’s better to be late than to be like Nazis, that was a breakthrough moment. No more guilt at getting to the synagogue late – if I got at all – or to the doctor, who, let’s face it, never receives patients on time, either.”

The father of five admits his newfound ethical justification for a widespread cultural phenomenon that many observers find negative puts him at odds with the majority of Israelis. “I understand why they might value punctuality in itself,” he allowed. “But what they seem not to realize, and this is especially concerning coming from those families were murdered in the Holocaust, that they grant some measure of legitimacy to our tormentors, whose value of such punctuality and precision also led them to apply that precision in engineering the brutal deaths of millions. We must instead take active pride in getting places late.”

A journalists’s question whether the disregard of timeliness that pervades other, more local, cultural mores might carry similar moral implications and obligations, in light of terrorist attacks and continued attempts at genocide of Israel’s Jewish inhabitants, elicited no answer.

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