Man Figures If He Kills Enough Jews Allah Will Change Mind About Land Belonging To Israel

“The whole Allah-giving-Israel-to-Israel has made it much, much harder to kill Jews, which is one important argument in favor of undoing the giving of Israel to Israel.”

Jerusalem, June 29 – A local activist believes that despite statements in Islamic sacred texts that assign the Holy Land to the followers of Moses, he can alter the divine attitude toward the disposition of that piece of real estate by shedding the blood of numerous such followers of Moses, the activist disclosed today.

Itbah al-Yahud, 33, hopes to kill enough Jews so that the almighty Allah will retract His promise to grant the land of Israel to the people of Israel, with the argument that if he kills enough, God will change His mind because Mr. al-Yahud carries such vehemence to his efforts.

“I’m not saying God is wrong,” he assured. “I just think that ultimately we’ll reveal a deeper truth if we engage in this holy work, the deeper truth being we haven’t killed enough Jews, and we have to do a better job of accomplishing that holy task.”

“I appreciate the efforts of our brethren in Gaza, and the occasional pushes from members of the Islamic Umma in Europe,” he continued, referring to terrorist attacks on Jews both in Israel and abroad, especially Europe. “But it’s become harder and harder to get the numbers up where they once were. The whole Allah-giving-Israel-to-Israel has made it much, much harder to kill Jews, which is one important argument in favor of undoing the giving of Israel to Israel.”

The father of four and part-time school bus driver noted that the Islamic world has done a piss-poor job of killing Jews, aside from a significant number of incidents in the last 1400 years in which Muslims did, in fact, massacre many Jews. In the last hundred years the main spark to muster Muslims to conduct that sacred task has been supposed danger to Al-Aqsa, which Israel captured from Jordanian occupation in 1967 and has never threatened to destroy, a point that al-Yahud adduces to further prove his case.

“If they were seriously meant to be there, they’d have razed the structure and built their own,” he contended. “That’s how you establish a claim. None of this let’s-allow-them-to-worship-freely namby-pamby weakness. It’s how you know Allah can be persuaded to change His mind, as it were, because He hasn’t ordained the total destruction of the Islamic haram al-Sharif in favor of a Jewish temple, which would have been built on the site if the Jews were serious about it being ‘theirs.’ I think we’re close, and if we just kill a few thousand more Jews, that will put us over the top.”

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