“This takes our practice of making the US and Israeli flags into doormats to the next level.”
Tehran, January 12 – A member of a violent mob storming the US Capitol building last week who wielded a flagpole with the Stars and Stripes on it to bludgeon a downed Washington, D.C. policeman received citizenship in the Islamic Republic of Iran today in recognition of what officials in this capital city called a “heroic display of symbolism we strive to emulate.”
A spokesman for Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced Tuesday that after reviewing the footage of last week’s storming of the Capitol by protesters upset with the outcome of the November presidential election, the Islamic Republic’s leadership decided to grant citizenship to the guy who clubbed a cop with an American flag, whoever he is, because that sort of metaphor is the meat and potatoes of Iran’s ongoing anti-American and anti-Israel propaganda.
“This takes our practice of making the US and Israeli flags into doormats to the next level,” gushed Khamenei spokesman Mawafaz Abigdegh. “Anyone whose sensibilities include bashing in the head of a symbol of American authority and order with a different symbol of American authority and order is welcome in the Islamic Republic. Really, the only possible improvement we can conceive to the scenario in the footage would be if the cop were holding an Israeli flag as he gets beaten to death. We’re working on it, though, with our allies in US culture and politics.”
Azdeh indicated that Iran might adopt such bludgeoning as a ceremonial activity. “This has tremendous publicity potential, and its visual power is indisputable,” he acknowledged. “We need to find a way to incorporate it into everyday public life. That will take some forethought; there’s a tremendous difference between placing a flag on the floor, all but forcing people to tread upon it as they enter a building, and mandating a specific physical activity people aren’t already doing. But with the input of whoever this new honorary citizen turns out to be, perhaps we can come up with something practical. He certainly displays the right mindset and spirit.”
“We already know that many of the DC rioters share our view of, for example, the so-called Holocaust,” he continued. “This would simply be a matter of translating from one culture to another, and given the emphasis of violent force as an indicator of rightness in both milieus, I would say most of the work is accomplished already.”
Iranian officials also disclosed that the regime’s senior leadership finds particular excitement in the realization that both the prominent Capitol rioters and the Islamic Republic assign great significance to being Aryan.
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