Man’s Only Consistent Religious Practice Is Coming 90 Minutes Late To Services

His routine otherwise features no noticeable commitment to everyday practices typical of the orthodox Jewish lifestyle.

Jerusalem, December 9 – A veteran member of a downtown Jerusalem synagogue makes sure to attend the morning prayers and Torah reading every Sabbath, seldom arriving earlier than two hours after the official start time – representing the sole ritual observance that the man performs with any regularity, community sources reported today.

Alex Barsky, 60, walked into shul this past Saturday at approximately ten a.m., when the congregation was transitioning from the formal Torah reading to the Haftarah, a selection from the Prophets that picks up on themes from the Torah portion. In doing so, Mr. Barsky, a business consultant by trade, entered slightly earlier than usual by at least several minutes – a mere hour and fifty minutes after the Morning Service commencement time of 8:15, when his typical entrance occurs closer to a quarter past ten.

The late entrance seldom stops Barsky from finishing the entire Sabbath morning liturgy in time to attend the post-service Kiddush, which usually kicks off between a quarter to eleven and eleven, though occasionally later. The consistency of his performance stands in notable contrast to every other religious aspect of his routine, which otherwise features no noticeable commitment to everyday practices typical of the orthodox Jewish lifestyle.

For example, while Barsky’s alarm sounds every morning early enough for him to have enough time to attend daily Shaharit services and still get to work on time, in practice he turns off the alarm and dozes off for close to an hour, often longer, resulting in a rushed egress to work, only occasionally leaving enough time to don t’fillin and mumble some token passages.

Similarly, the father of four and grandfather of two sometimes answers the door for people seeking donations, but more frequently pretends not to be home; when his parents were alive, he remembered to call them at least once a week, but only if his wife sent him a reminder, which she could not always do; and, before Mrs. Barsky went through menopause, his adherence to various “distancing” protocols as mandated during and right after her menses – such as refraining from handing objects directly to her, or sitting on the same couch close to her – proved unpredictable, among numerous other inconsistent religious behaviors.

Observers noted that the uncharacteristic consistency of Barsky’s lateness to Saturday services has yet to result in his arriving so late as to miss the post-service refreshments or the inevitable socializing that precedes and follows it.

Please support our work through Patreon.
Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL