Martyrs Begin Abandoning Heaven Amid Halal Meat Shortage

The halal shortage began late last month, say Heavenly sources, when Chicago Cubs fans began using goats to try to reverse the 108-year-old curse on their favorite baseball club.

Paradise, October 21 – Thousands of Muslims who gave their lives for the defense or advancement of Islam are leaving the Heavenly realm in protest over the lack of halal meat, supernal sources reported Wednesday.

Angels began reporting the abandonment of Heaven by dozens of shaheeds at a time two weeks ago. At the time, the reports cited statements by those leaving the realm that they could take the shortage of meat no longer, and were switching to Hell, from which always emanated the tantalizing smell of flesh exposed to flame. The exodus increased to a steady stream over the weekend, and intensified during the week, with what Archangel Gabriel described as, “the largest departure of Muslims from these environs since we ran out of virgins three years ago.”

To date, reports Gabriel, at least 45,000 Muslim martyrs have left Heaven and moved to Hell. “We don’t really follow up on them once they’ve taken up residence elsewhere, but there’s near-certainty that Hell isn’t so bad as far as they’re concerned,” he explained. “I mean, when they were alive they lived in places such as Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Somalia, Yemen, Syria, the Palestinian Territories, Libya – Hell is, well, paradise as far as they’re concerned.”

The halal shortage began late last month, say Heavenly sources, when Chicago Cubs fans began using goats to try to reverse the 108-year-old curse on their favorite baseball club, leaving the supernal flock severely depleted. The meat of choice for many Muslims was always in shorter supply in Paradise than that of other animals, since goats are often synonymous with the demons that populate Hell. The abundance of the delicious creatures in Hell is yet another factor in so many shaheeds choosing to live there once Heaven proved unable to meet their desires, according to analyst Goethe Helle.

“When the supply of virgins was exhausted a lot of incoming Muslim martyrs chose to go to Hell instead, since it was an environment with which they were familiar,” said Helle. “And several hundred thousand others went with them, since it’s been a very long time that anyone got the full complement of seventy-two. There was quite a bit of grumbling when the angels started supplying white grapes instead of women, and a mass exodus to the Underworld ensued. As the temporal Islamic societies demonstrate, Muslims seem to be happier wallowing in pain, oppression, darkness, and death than taking constructive steps to improve things. Such people are more at home in Hell than anywhere else.”