Millions Of Radical Islamists Still Unaware They Are Not Following Islam

“It has taken liberal academics centuries to realize that the only authentic expression of any value system is one that dovetails with liberal academics’ axioms.”

Raqqa, Islamic State (formerly Syria), July 22 – As the Islamic State establishes itself in parts of what used to be Iraq and Syria, and as tens of thousands of foreign fighters join their military and civic efforts to do so, countless numbers of those devout adherents remain completely unaware that, at least according to US President Barack Obama, despite often-literal fulfillment of the Quran and Hadith, they are not actually practicing Islam.

Unbeknownst to those radical Muslims, the American president and several other prominent Western figures have repeatedly insisted that the specific version of Islam that IS and its analogs such as Al Qaeda follow is not in fact Islam, but some undefined corruption of the faith. Presumably because they do not know that Obama and his colleagues have made such a pronouncement, the tens of millions of Islamic State adherents, allies, and professed sympathizers throughout the world still believe they practice what Mohammad the Prophet preached – and often practiced himself.

Experts differ on the root causes of those would-be Muslims’ ignorance of what constitutes real Islam. “Perhaps if they heard President Obama so articulately assert that true Islam does not promote what the Islamic State has been fomenting, they would change their tune,” offers Professor of Theology Ivory Tauer of Yale University. “It has taken liberal academics centuries to realize that the only authentic expression of any value system is one that dovetails with liberal academics’ axioms.”

Hedda Ostrich of Oxford disagrees. “It is unlikely that the followers of Daesh have not been exposed to President Obama’s cogent, indisputable argument that they are not following the divine will as articulated through the Prophet,” she said, using the Arabic acronym for ISIL. “No one who has ever heard Obama orate could fail to be swayed by his charisma, clarity, and the manifest rightness of his words, and no human with a soul would fail to seek out the endless fount of wisdom that the president has to share with humanity. We must therefore seek another explanation for why anyone calling himself Muslim would want to follow something that the president has authoritatively declared is not Islam. It remains a mystery.”

Thinkers in Ostrich’s camp have various ways to account for the phenomenon, none of which she finds satisfying. “It makes no logical sense to claim that anyone is in a position to disagree with Obama, who won a Nobel Peace Prize without even trying,” she insisted. “It also defies reason that anyone in the world who has studied the Quran in the original Arabic, as I have, would not also be worldly, and therefore knowledgeable of President Obama’s words on the subject.”

At press time, Obama aides were reportedly working on a presidential statement to the effect that postmodernism is the only authentic version of history.