Ministry Of Interior Recognizes Sports Fandom As Religion

“This has become especially pronounced in recent years with a surge in violence by sports fans against those who oppose them.”

Sport devotees burn an offering of vanquished foes’ property.

Jerusalem, March 15 – Minister of the Interior Aryeh Deri has created a new category of religious belief to appear on Israelis’ identity cards, one that recognizes that the devotion to, identification with, and sacrifice incurred on behalf of sports franchises constitutes a religion.

Sports fans will be allowed to request that the line appear on their ID cards as of next month, said Lafa Milia, a ministry spokeswoman. She told reporters at a press conference on Tuesday morning that after an extended period of on-again, off-again deliberations lasting through the terms of many different ministers, dating back to Deri’s first time in the position in 1988, the minister finally gave his approval for the designation.

“Minister Deri began this process nearly thirty years ago when he realized that sports fans show all the hallmarks of religious devotees,” remarked Milia. “This has become especially pronounced in recent years with a surge in violence by sports fans against those who oppose them, whether admirers of rival clubs, league officials, or security personnel at games – behavior that matches that of so many religious believers, especially in this part of the world.” The proposal sat dormant for a number of years, but was revived by Gilad Erdan last year during his brief tenure in the position, she noted.

In addition to the announcement, the spokeswoman shared a number of important documents and analyses that led to the final decision, including a three-hundred-fifty-page report detailing the myriad ways in which identifying with, and pinning one’s self-worth to the fortunes of, a sports team constitute textbook religious orientations. “Jewish spiritual tradition has always viewed the assigning of value and identity to oneself based primarily on ideas or powers external to the self to be idolatrous,” reads the opening paragraph. “In that sense any ideology, not specifically one of traditionally defined religion, qualifies as such.” The report goes on to describe in detail twenty-three ways in which the behavior and mentality of, for example, Beitar Jerusalem fans dovetails perfectly with most religions.

Experts offered cautious praise for the move. “On one hand this means the Ministry of Religious Services may have to take over the Sport division of the Ministry of Culture and Sport, which could create serious complications politically, and more political conflict in the Coalition is the last thing Netanyahu needs right now,” explained Benny Sakhnin. “[Minister of Culture and Sport Miri] Regev is unlikely to want to relinquish the power. But on he whole, the idea makes sense, administratively, socially, and, I would offer, morally.”

“I’d like to see it go the other way, actually,” offered Kulanu MK Rachel Azaria. “Fold Religious Affairs into Sports.” She noted the widespread American practice, especially at the high school sports level, of praying before each game.