Missiles Hit Damascus; Syrians Agree Gender Reveals Getting Out Of Hand

“The narcissism of the era has really warped people’s common sense.”

Damascus, November 21 – Israeli airstrikes hit weapons storage facilities and equipment in and around the Syrian capital two nights ago, with at least one attempted interception of an incoming strike missing its target and exploding in a residential neighborhood of the city, a development that has convinced most inhabitants that the dramatic lengths to which couples now go to announce the sex of their anticipated baby require significant reining in.

Social media and local discourse around the issue flared up in the aftermath of the strikes, which hit facilities and materiel of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps and Hezbollah, both organs of Iran’s hegemonic ambition. In one northern neighborhood of Damascus a crowd came close to lynching the couple many believed responsible for the deadly gender reveal ritual, but who escaped with only minor injuries when a community figure assured the mob the woman was not even pregnant.

“This is getting out of control,” warned a police representative. “When did the simplest milestones or surprises become colorwar breakout? It used to be major things such as proposals, but in recent years everything’s become a pretext for elaborate, dangerous shenanigans. The narcissism of the era has really warped people’s common sense.”

Authorities have remained silent on the identity of the couple responsible for the missile-attack gender reveal party, a fact that has only fed rumors that the family has close ties to the Assad regime. “We’re used to only partial or distorted information coming our way when it comes to Israeli actions,” acknowledged one resident. “But it wouldn’t surprise me to discover this incident involves someone for whom it would be politically embarrassing. Imagine what would happen if everyone found out your gender reveal party included dozens of Israeli cruise missiles launched from F-16D fighter-bombers. You’d be toast. Even if you’re close to the president, I don’t see how he could just ignore it.”

Community and governmental leaders admit they can treat the symptoms by outlawing certain behaviors, but the underlying cause, the self-absorption of a generation that holds elaborate catered affairs for a small child’s birthday party, will prove harder to address.

Similar rumors have spread to the effect that several of the chemical weapons attacks of which the Syrian Arab Army stands accused of perpetrating against rebels over the last eight years were in fact part of a prom-posal, with conflicting versions of the story differing on whether the prospective date accepted or rejected the date.

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