Mossad Hints At Responsibility For Gas Buildup In Ayatollah’s Gut

Security stinks.

Tel Aviv, July 6 – Offhand comments by senior Israeli intelligence officials today appeared to allude to an element of Israel’s alleged ongoing operations inside the Islamic republic of Iran to degrade that foe’s weapons capability across the board and compromise important strategic facilities and resources, among them dangerous accumulations, leaks and explosions related to various forms of gas such as chlorine, methane, and the hydrogen sulfide within the Supreme Leader’s intestines.

An unnamed Mossad official was overheard Monday morning making oblique reference to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s gastrointestinal metabolic processes, including, if sources heard correctly, an anticipated “resounding address in the Fartsi language.” Analysts believe the phrase refer to the latest in a recent series of calamities to befall the regime in Tehran, such as a strategic missile storage facility that self-destructed, mysterious explosions at a centrifuge facility, chlorine gas leaks, and others. The incidents occurred against continuing weakness of Iran’s economy amid crippling American-led sanctions to deter atomic weapons development and curtail Iran’s malign influence throughout the Middle East.

A spokesman for the agency declined to comment on the overheard remarks. “We have nothing to add to anyone’s speculation,” said the representative. “Rumors about our supposed activity in Iran waft everywhere all the time. If half of them were true, well, maybe they are. Maybe all of them are true. Whenever you get wind of something, consider the source, but also, maybe it’s true.”

The noxious cloud of rumors has stunned Iran and its allies in the region, adding malodorous insult to injury. Even analysts admitted getting taken aback by the swiftness and breadth of the apparent sabotage operations. “Security stinks, that much I can tell you,” observed Turkish commentator Flatyul Lenç. “It’s redolent of Stuxnet, of course, but after that debacle you’d expect the regime to tighten things up. Now it looks like they just let everything go, and, well, whether or not that’s true, it’s embarrassing. The stain of these failures isn’t going to disappear anytime soon.”

Tehran officials have remained mum on preliminary investigation results into the various disasters; their plugged-up response has only fueled the wild speculation that already characterizes public discourse on the the subject. The buzz on the streets of Tehran, Mashad, and Natanz has it that Mossad prowess and rumors of further impending operations against the rattled regime, its weapons programs, and its hegemonic ambitions have enhanced the agency’s reputation among Iranians and regime opponents as “silent but deadly.”

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