Mossad Makes Palestinian Toilet Seats Extra-Cold In Winter

Israel allows non-military items to enter Gaza without restriction, and Hamas officials suspect the Mossad has exploited that unrestricted importation channel to administer torture.

Gaza City, February 17 – Counterintelligence operatives of the Islamist movement that governs this coastal territory believe that Israeli agents have engineered an additional measure of torment for the residents of the blockaded area by causing bathroom fixtures here – especially those that come into contact with the exposed derrière – to attain a lower temperature than typical even for the cold and rainy season, Hamas officials disclosed today.

Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and other local militant groups have noticed since December that toilet seats feel colder than normal, beyond what they had come to expect in winter, according to Hamas spokesman Ayama Gasbagh. “Most Gazans probably won’t notice,” he acknowledged, “given that by and large they still use plastic seats. It’s the connected people in the resistance organizations who can afford porcelain seats, and those have definitely changed. The consensus appears to be that this winter it’s much icier on the butt than ever before, and we suspect foul play. And we all know the source of foul play; only the Zionists have an interest in torturing us so.”

Gasbagh noted that experts have disassembled numerous such seats to determine the technical means by which Israel has made them unnaturally cold to the touch, so far without result. “Our laboratories have at least four dozen toilet seats undergoing examination,” he disclosed. “Technicians have to date discovered no wires, receivers, or other devices that might account for the recent change. But we know the Mossad has capabilities that go far beyond standard technology. We assume they have the means and opportunity, and we know they have motive, because what else could Jews want but to make life miserable for Palestinians? It’s in their DNA.”

Gaza material scientists’ leading hypothesis at the moment involves the possible manipulation of molecular structures within the toilet seats, perhaps achieved when the items passed through Israel on their way into Gaza from China, Turkey, or Italy, the countries of manufacture for the vast majority of the specimens. Israel allows non-military items to enter Gaza without restriction, and Hamas officials suspect the Mossad has exploited that unrestricted importation channel to administer torture.

Hamas leaders have taken to placing cushions, fabric, or other materials on top of the toilet seats before sitting down, to avoid or counteract the Israeli devices’ effects, with mixed results. “It means more laundry, and we don’t always have power to do all that laundry because we invest our funds in rockets and tunnels instead of infrastructure for our citizens,” Gasbagh conceded. “You don’t think about it so much when it’s not an issue, but you wouldn’t believe how easily fecal matter and urine gets on the seat no matter how careful you try to be.”

“Why are you looking at me funny?” he demanded when a reporter appeared skeptical of that point. “I’ll revoke your press pass if you disagree it happens to everyone.”

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