Mossad Postpones Tehran Earthquake Till Agents Finish Stealing Mullahs’ Shoes

The agency aims to leverage control of Iran’s seismic activity and its weather to bring the enemy country to its knees.

Tel Aviv, October 25 – Israel’s secret intelligence service has delayed the operation of its newest seismic device to provide more time for the theft of Iranian leaders’ footwear, a source inside the organization told PreOccupied Territory.

A Mossad operative who spoke on condition of anonymity disclosed Thursday that the Tehran Richter Engagement Mechanism for Oppressive Regimes (TREMOR) device was scheduled to spark its inaugural earthquake next month, following midterm elections in the US, but that an ongoing mission to remove one shoe from the pairs owned by Iran’s spiritual and political leadership has been enjoying such success that the launch date will be moved back at least two months to allow for an expansion of the shoe-stealing effort.

The Mossad agent noted that while the agents engaged in spiriting away the various ayatollahs’ shoes could simply leave Tehran, the Islamic Republic’s capital, before TREMOR launches, agency higher-ups elected to provide as much flexibility as possible to its field operatives, in light of the effectiveness of the ongoing shoe-theft operation.

“It’s best to keep things simple,” explained the agent. “From an opsec standpoint, as well, it makes more sense to keep our agents in Iran in the dark about this other project. It should make little difference in the long run whether we hit Tehran with a devastating earthquake this year or next. And we’ve calculated that the psychological impact, which is the real aim, will be greater if the two operations are conducted successively, rather than simultaneously.”

TREMOR replaces an older device that, while effective, did not allow operators to calibrate the intensity of an earthquake beyond a crude range of values. The new technology, which the source credits to a joint project between the Mossad and the Haifa Technion, enables its operators to direct a specific strength of seismic movement within four decimal values on the Richter scale.

“We’ve been testing this thing for years,” admitted the source. “Mostly undersea stuff in the deep Pacific. That tsunami that hit the Fukushima reactor? Yeah, we’re only sort of sorry about that. We need to test the impact, so to speak, of our technology on nuclear facilities, and there’s really only one reliable way to do that.”

The Mossad aims to leverage control of Iran’s seismic activity and its weather to bring the enemy country to its knees. “Coupled with Amrican economic sanctions, this could really speed up the inevitable,” predicted the agent. “The population there has been bristling under Islamic rule for forty years, so any additional instability can only work in favor of a counter-revolution.”

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