“Our own distribution of rainfall is not calibrated to handle an overflow of this magnitude, even accounting for the capacity of the reservoirs behind dams we open each winter to flood the Gaza Strip.”
Tel Aviv, November 11 – Israel’s secret intelligence and operations agency sent an urgent request to the government today for more warehouse capacity, following an unexpectedly large harvest of low-altitude nimbus from the skies over the Islamic Republic of Iran that has challenged the agency’s resources.
A flash message to the Security Cabinet of the Prime Minister, Minister of Foreign Affairs, and Minister of Defense on Wednesday alerted those officials to the Mossad’s most recent theft of Rainclouds from Iran, which resulted in yield three times as fruitful as that of the previous rainy season, but for which the Mossad’s warehousing division had allocated insufficient space, based on inaccurate assessments of the anticipated yield. Israel steals Iran’s rainclouds both to address its own long-term drought issues and to foment crisis in the Islamic country and induce political instability, thereby weakening an existential foe.
“Based on prior yields, we budgeted 86 million cubic meters of nimbus storage,” the message read. “However, to our surprise, the first cloud-culling of the season over Iran’s principal agricultural and reservoir regions produced in excess of 75 million cubic meters. Forecasts anticipated perhaps 100,000 cubic meters susceptible to our devices’ technology, and the devices will now exceed our storage capacity in a matter of weeks if this continues. Our own distribution of rainfall is not calibrated to handle an overflow of this magnitude, even accounting for the capacity of the reservoirs behind dams we open each winter to flood the Gaza Strip.”
The Mossad can instruct the device operators to limit harvest, but front-loading the seasonal anticipated yield, leaving the rest of the season’s rainfall over Iran untouched, may cause unexpected climatic instability and undermine other weather-control operations the agency has implemented elsewhere in the world. That scenario has occurred at least once before, recalled climate expert Laura Itti.
“The unusually wet winter of 2002-2003 happened because the new cloud-stealing technology wasn’t calibrated properly,” she explained. “In an effort to facilitate Operation Enduring Freedom and the invasion of Iraq, Mossad technicians and engineers focused too narrowly on the theater of operations the rainy season before the planned offensive. Israel got plenty of Iranian rain that year, but the move generated unintended consequences in the Caribbean Sea, where hurricane production failed to meet the agency’s stated goals and deadlines. The Mossad has learned much since those days, but every now and then even their wizards get blindsided by the chaotic meteorological system. Global climate change might be a Mossad initiative, but that doesn’t mean local aberrations don’t happen.”
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