Multiple Pizza Deliveries To Shifa Hospital Subbasement Bunker For ‘Not Yahya Sinwar’

“Some folks will insist on misinterpreting it and we’ll end up with an Israeli airstrike taking out one of our best customers.”

Gaza City, June 25 – A restaurant two streets over from the largest medical facility in the Gaza Strip has received numerous orders to be sent to an underground command bunker there, designated for a person who the purchaser has made clear is definitely not Hamas operations chief Yahya Sinwar.

Pizza Ahmad has made more than a dozen deliveries to Definitely Not Sinwar over the last month amid ongoing tensions with Israel over rioting at the border fence and rocket fire into Israeli communities. A spokesman for the establishment told reporters that the orders for the person who is, again, most certainly not the Hamas leader, so don’t get any ideas, began in late May, occurring at least twice a week and including up to twenty pies.

“My guess is hospital food is terrible,” offered evening shift manager Amr Muhammad. “The only mystery is why it’s taken them so long to start ordering – we’ve been around six years, and the definitely-not-Hamas-command-bunker beneath Shifa has been in use for much longer than that.”

Muhammad hopes no one misunderstands the situation and starts thinking the actual Yahya Sinwar, or his predecessor and senior Hamas official Ismail Haniyeh, spends time in the subterranean bunker. “The order is clearly placed by NOT Yahya Sinwar,” he emphasized, showing a reporter the latest order form. “The person on the other end of the line made very sure we underlined the ‘not’ in his name. That should be a major clue. But some folks will insist on misinterpreting it and we’ll end up with an Israeli airstrike taking out one of our best customers. So let’s not allow that to happen, please.”

Sensitivity over the locations of Hamas leaders has proven a sensitive topic in Gaza ever since a Mossad operative delivered an explosive package to top Hamas military commander Muhammad Deff in 2011, when Deff asked who was at the door and the would-be assassin answered, “Definitely not an Israeli agent.” Thus reassured, Deff opened the door and accepted the package, which soon exploded and left him a paraplegic.

Debate has since raged in the movement’s upper military echelons whether to embark on a campaign to put a sign on every Hamas position that insists it is not a military target, as that would provide a less logistically fraught alternative to placing those military positions in homes, schools, day care centers, hospitals, nursing homes, mosques, and offices, as the organization currently does.

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