Muscular Man Resents Being Pigeonholed As Hagbahah-Only Guy

“I’m getting a little sick of it.”

Credit: GFDL via Wikimedia Commons

Jerusalem, December 13 – An athletic, toned worshiper at a local synagogue has grown tired of his default role as the one who raises the open Torah scroll to show congregants the reading, the man confessed today.

Ezra, a muscular man in his mid-twenties who declined to provide his last name, told a reporter this afternoon that every time he participates in synagogue services at which the Torah is read, the sexton chooses others to open the Ark, to hold extra scrolls if necessary, to be called to the Torah for the readings, chant the day’s passages, and to roll the scroll back up and put its adornments back on after it has been raised. Ezra, however, is never selected for honors other than the literal heavy lifting, and what he calls the unimaginative presumptions of the sexton irritate him.

“It’s not something that actually requires so much strength,” he observed. “It’s all a matter of leverage and placement. They must have somebody else do it when I’m not there, so I should be able to serve some other function. But no, I’m built and I work out, so that’s like the only thing I can possibly do now.”

“I can read the Torah, too,” he insisted. “Every Shabbat afternoon, every Monday and Thursday morning, every Rosh Chodesh, every fast day morning and afternoon, and every single day of Chanukkah, I make sure to know the reading with the trope, just in case there’s no one else there to do it. I have a decent singing voice, I know the standard nusach for the services, and I know what tunes to use where, so I can lead davening. But no, it’s Hagbahah every time. I’m getting a little sick of it.”

The sexton, a thin, bespectacled, middle-aged man, appeared unaware of Ezra’s bitterness. “Oh, I’m glad we have that guy around,” he admitted. “I have to run things as smoothly as possible, so as services progress, I’m mentally cataloging the people based on how they look: that guy in the front, does he look like he knows what to do? Is the fellow behind him even Jewish? If not, better avoid all the awkwardness of asking. It’s easiest just to go with what you’ve done before – why bother asking some stranger’s name to call him to the Torah when you can just call the same three people whose names you already know? When it’s time for Hagbahah I just give a plaintive nod to the big guy and he always says yes. So helpful. It just saves time and anxiety.”

Ezra, for his part, is considering not attending this Shabbat, when two scrolls will be required for the reading because of the additional section for Chanukkah. “Let’s see him try to find two guys who aren’t me,” he muttered. “That’ll teach him.”

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