My Male Workers Should Transition To Female So I Can Pay Them Less

by Nimrod Rothschild, CEO, Triumvirate Holdings

Tel Aviv, June 17 – My company has always prided itself on embracing the most advanced management techniques. We were among the first to develop and adopt a social media strategy, and we continue to ride the wave of socially-conscious trends, among which the most recent include an embrace of transsexual employees. Aside from hitting the right notes in the intersectional environment of modern marketing, pushing our male employees to become female will save us money because we can then pay them less.

Everybody wins: our now-female employees find their true anatomical and social self-expression, and we reduce expenses by up to two million dollars per annum. Win-win situations are what management is all about, and both workers and shareholders ought to express pleasure at the prospect of such a synergistic solution. I cannot wait to take this proposal to the Board of Directors.

Some of the stodgier members of the Board have expressed concern that important assumptions behind the idea miss the mark, but when were the woke crowd ever wrong? They insist it’s plain as day that women earn less than men, which means companies are paying women less than men, and if that’s the case, we shouldn’t be wasting money by hiring men. I argued for such a policy years ago, and still maintain its profitability, but middle management appears unwilling to recruit only women. They claim not enough qualified women apply for open positions, but that must be the patriarchy talking. If socially conscious management has taught me anything, it’s that under such circumstances we must shift the definition of “qualified.” The shareholders have, to date, disagreed. For shame.

But that cannot stop us from encouraging our existing male employees from embracing a transsexual lifestyle. Why, to oppose it would constitute oppression of a marginalized group! We must implement management practices that make clear how we welcome transsexuals, and tout the benefits of working for Triumvirate as a trans person. We will of course encounter the minor hurdle of women wanting to transition to men and then demanding higher pay as a result, but I believe we can make subtle adjustments to our procedures that ensure only the born-male employees receive intense encouragement to undergo transition. If anyone challenges us, the response must involve a ferocious attack on the accuser for attempting to undermine the rights of trans women. How dare anyone suggest that trans women are any different from other women!

That includes salary and wages. We would not want to discriminate against any group of women by paying them more, implying non-trans women are somehow less equal. How unprogressive of you to suggest it!

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