N Korea Bitter Iran Gets More Rewards For Violating Nuke Deal

“The double standard glares.”

Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, March 30 – Leaders of the rogue North Korean state expressed jealousy and resentment today that Iran’s violations of its agreements with the West over the country’s nuclear weapons program had only produced better treatment from those powers, whereas North Korea’s refusal to adhere to the terms of its own nuclear deal from the 1990’s has not brought it any closer to sanctions relief.

A spokesman for dictator Kim Jong-un voiced the sentiments at a press conference in the North Korean capital for a select group of journalists, where he said that the West’s different treatment of Iran and North Korea constitutes yet another display of American arrogance that called for retribution.

“We will destroy your cities and lay waste to your landscape,” warned Don-Tuch Ma-Junk. “You show unbridled hypocrisy by not easing our path to a ballistic nuclear missile arsenal the way you have done for the Islamic Republic of Iran. We were forced to develop our technology underground. But for Iran, not only do you clear their path toward nuclear weapons within a few years, you remove their economic sanctions, give them a hundred billions of dollars, and fail to check them when they increase their power across the region. We, meanwhile, starve. The double standard glares.”

A second official noted the possible racist dimensions of the dichotomy. “Iranians do not have slanted eyes,” observed Communist Party Transportation Secretary Choo Choo. “While some pundits will hide behind the convenient pretext of Iran’s vast natural resources – oil, natural gas, Beluga caviar – no one can hide the truth from us. It’s because we are East Asian, and not really worthy of consideration in your eyes. How different are we, really, from Iran, after all? They threaten Israel, we threaten Japan and South Korea. They sponsor terrorism, we fire artillery and rockets at our neighbors. They flout existing agreements, and so do we. You misunderstand and underestimate them, and you misunderstand and underestimate us. We even refer to our Supreme Leaders the same way.”

“Oh, you Western bigots like to throw a bone our way every once in a while – a story about our Supreme Leader being voted Sexiest Man Alive, or a visit by retired NBA star Dennis Rodman – but we know what you really think,” continued Choo. “That is, you don’t. You’d rather pretend we don’t exist. Perhaps we should start actively kidnapping American servicemen, as Iran does, instead of just the occasional stupid tourist or activist.”

Choo also suggested that North Korea might start hanging homosexuals from cranes, but backtracked when informed by an aide that all available cranes were being used to assemble a fifty-foot-high statue of Kim made entirely of rice confiscated from hungry peasants who had demonstrated insufficient patriotism.