Naïve Israel Advocates Think New Genetic Study Will Silence Rabid Foes

Jerusalem, February 25 – Supporters of Israel who have been living under a rock for the last hundred years expect that a study debunking an earlier claim – that Ashkenazi Jews were not genetically linked to the ancient Jewish inhabitants of Israel – will once and for all stop anti-Israel forces from ever employing fallacious arguments.

A 2013 article by Eran Haik of Johns Hopkins purported to show that Ashkenazi Jews had more in common genetically with peoples of the Caucasus than with Sephardic Jews of North Africa and the Middle East. The author thus advanced the hypothesis that European Jews, by and large, descended not from the ancient residents of the Holy Land, but from a population of Khazars, a now-untraceable Caucasian people, who converted to Judaism en masse about 1,000 years ago. The claim was swiftly adopted by anti-Israel propagandists in their effort to deny or minimize the historical Jewish connection to Israel.

However, more recently, the researchers who provided the data sets used in the article examined the study’s methodology and assumptions, and completely undermined it. The Israeli and Estonian scientists demonstrated at length that the data strongly prove a Middle Eastern origin for Ashkenazi Jews, and that the group shares the most genetic commonality with their Sephardic coreligionists. As a result, advocates for Israel who have their heads stuffed up their rear ends now believe that they have finally and conclusively defeated their counterparts, who will never again attempt to deny the Holy Land’s Jewish history.

“That should do it. It’s a great day,” said Havin Gottaclew, who earnestly distributes flyers to counter pro-Palestinian efforts at Berkeley. “We’ve basically won,” he added, tossing his remaining flyers into a paper recycling bin.

Other activists with their heads so far up their derrières that they need a flashlight to tell time have been celebrating by shutting down their pro-Israel social media venues and websites, declaring victory in the battle for public opinion. “We never thought we’d see this day, but now that Jews have been conclusively traced to Israel, there are no more arguments that our opponents can muster,” said veteran pro-Israel blogger Elder of Ziyon. “At this point, we expect 90% of the Arab population of Judea and Samaria to pack up and go elsewhere, because they must realize the game is up.”

Pro-Palestinian activists were apparently also so convinced of the merit and justice of Jewish control of the land that inquiries for this article were met with bewildered silence that could only be interpreted as acquiescence.