Netanyahu Hires Vizzini To Start US War With Iran

Jerusalem, January 16 – Information leaked from Israeli cabinet intelligence briefings suggests that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has engaged a Sicilian mercenary to foment a war between the United States and Iran.

Long dismissive of American and other international efforts to contain Tehran’s nuclear arms ambitions, Netanyahu is seeking ways to provoke American military action against Iran, knowing that the only obstacle remaining between Iran and atomic weapons capability is time. An Israeli strike would be far too risky, both tactically and diplomatically, than one conducted by American forces already deployed in and around the Arabian Gulf. The leaks point to contacts between the prime minister and Vizzini, who has cultivated a specialty in starting wars.

Netanyahu is said to have sent special envoy Tyrone Rugen to negotiate the terms and logistics of the arrangement. Rugen, himself an expert in intrigue, has proved a tough negotiator and has shown as not above the use of force to achieve his ends; he is currently writing what he considers to be the definitive work on the subject, expressing his deep and abiding interest in it.

Vizzini’s most famous war instigation attempt involved the European countries of Florin and Guilder. Though thwarted by other, unanticipated developments, the Sicilian’s efforts – a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition – and extensive preparation caught the notice of other international leaders. He often works with a team of other internationals, notably a Spaniard weapons expert and a Turkish of reputed great strength.

If true, the reports point to a clear escalation of Netanyahu’s attempts to ensure that the current multilateral efforts to curtail Iranian nuclear development do not end with talk and limited economic sanctions. He has repeatedly talked up the need to include the threat of actual force against Iran should the talks fail; other, unconfirmed reports involve Israel’s engagement of actual mercenary raiders such as the Dread Pirate Roberts to prey on Iran’s shipping and disrupt the country’s logistics.

Vizzini himself is said to have survived multiple assassination attempts, including one in which he was tricked into overdosing on iocaine. However, the mercenary was only rendered mostly dead, and was able to lie low until the danger passed. Experts remain divided on what methods he would use in the current environment to provoke a US-Iran war; traditional, high-impact strategies have grown progressively more difficult over the years, and their effect is less predictable than it once was.

Wikileaks has published several documents purporting to relate to these developments, including the analysis by an intelligence source known as “Westley,” according to which Rugen will suggest the formation of a Brute Squad to gain access to heavily guarded American facilities and hold prominent individuals – such as members of the First Family – hostage, pinning the deed on Iran.

This morning the Prime Minister’s office dismissed the allegations as “inconceivable.”