New Palestinian Protester Prototype Does Not Bleed When Shot

Beituniya, May 23 – Analysis of the video footage surrounding the apparent shooting death of a Palestinian youth last week has military experts concluding that the Palestinians have developed a new type of protester, one that emits no blood even when its exterior is pierced.

If accurate, this assessment reflects a major technological innovation, as until now, the bodies of protesters and rock-throwers have not been known to function without a comprehensive circulatory system. Since every Palestinian claim is accepted by large swaths of the media and society as reliable, the operating assumption of the analysts has been that in fact live ammunition was in use at Beituniya. Israeli assertions and evidence that the border police were only using rubber-coated bullets, which do not pierce the skin at the ranges involved, do not adequately explain the outcome, experts say, since such evidence would not portray the IDF as murderous thugs bent on executing teenagers.

As such, say the analysts, the only reasonable conclusion at the dramatic lack of blood involved in the death of the demonstrator remains that Palestinians have developed a more advanced model of protester. The lack of blood makes it easier for other rock-throwers and demonstrators to offer assistance where the sight of blood might otherwise frighten them.

Additionally, say experts, as greater and greater numbers of the model are rolled out, it will take significantly less effort to have the demonstrators fall, as if injured, and more plausibly claim to have been shot by IDF soldiers. The compliant media will continue to take the Palestinian version of events at face value, driving up the number of apparent Palestinian casualties while not actually subjecting demonstrators to bona fide wounds. Ideally, the same protester, variously attired, can stage multiple incidents in the space of a single afternoon.

For now, however, the model appears to be merely in the Beta phase and not in widespread use. The latest incident seems to challenge the notion that such lengths are necessary to hoodwink a willfully credulous media, and research and development funds might be better allocated to other areas, such as finding more ancient, pre-Israelite, non-Arab civilizations from which to claim descent.