New Procedure To Save Time Has Israelis Place Electoral Ballots Directly In Toilet

The new procedures eliminate significant manpower-hours and material expenses.

Jerusalem, May 20 – The country’s Elections Commission has decided to implement a number of changes to the conduct of elections as Israel faces the prospect of the fifth election cycle in two-and-a-half years, changes that will reflect the increasing futility of the process, principal among them the elimination of the requirement to appear at a designated polling place. Instead, the Commission announced today, ballots will be sent to registered voters directly by mail in advance of the scheduled Election Day, and voters can avoid the post-election waiting until the inevitable collapse of efforts to form a government by simply casting the document into the municipal sewage system.

Commission spokeswoman Shura Tahtona told reporters Thursday that the recent series of pointless elections has prompted a reconsideration of the body’s role in that unfortunate, recurring phenomenon, and an investigative subcommittee determined earlier this year that the Commission can save the State hundreds of millions of shekels by removing in-person submission of electoral ballots, voter verification, and counting processes and arrive at the same result, with the simple step of placing ballots in the toilet instead of ballot boxes.

“Think of the cost reduction implications alone,” instructed Tahtona. “At the many hundreds of balloting sites around the country, we’ve had to place a staff to verify the identity of each voter; to match the name and identification number with the official register; to make sure only one voter enters the polling station at a time; to provide security where necessary; to replenish depleted ballots; and to ensure that the ballot box undergoes a supervised tallying at the end of the day.”

“The new procedures eliminate all the manpower-hours and material expenses of all that,” she explained. “We customarily send each voter a card with the date, identification number, and address of his or her polling place. From now on, however, we will replace that with an actual set of ballots, one for each registered party plus a blank, and a blue envelope. The voter may choose, as always, to leave the envelope unsealed or to seal it, with the major change in this respect involving the precise placement of the envelope with the ballot now inside: the voter will place the envelope in his or her toilet bowl and engage the flush mechanism. Voters lacking a functioning connection to the municipal sewer system can go to any storm drain of significant size and slide the ballot-containing envelope through the grate of the drain.”

Ms. Tahtona added that the Commission will nertheless retain some Election-Day employees to conduct spot inspections to ensure that only the right kind of envelope clogs the system.

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