“We need to pull numbers out of a Russian butt instead of a Palestinian one; out of a Canadian derriere instead of a South African one.”
Gaza City, December 23 – Human Rights Groups reacted this week to reports that confirmed Israeli assertions that the groups had far overstated the number of noncombatants killed in IDF operations in this coastal territory since October 2023, by promising to find alternative sources for their blood libel statistics.
Representatives of Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, Médecins Sans Frontières, the International Committee for the Red Cross, and several other organizations issued statements yesterday and today resolving to pull future Palestinian civilian casualty figures out of a different orifice than the anus, following analysis that found the source for their figures – the Hamas-run Gaza Ministry of Health – provided bogus numbers with the primary agenda of smearing Israel for killing women and children, rather than striving to document events with any accuracy.
“We might have to pull the numbers out of someone else’s rectum,” acknowledged a chagrined Agnes Callamard of Amnesty International. “Reliance on the Gaza Ministry of Health with undue credulity has led us astray. We had assumed that because they hate Jew as we do, that they would aim for the same kind of dispassionate accounting that we pursue. Alas, we will have to find someone else to lie to us about Jewish bloodthirstiness, and then parrot those claims uncritically.”
Former Human Rights Watch director Ken Roth attempted to downplay the significance of the shift. “This industry is not about to adopt credible, verifiable methods,” he assured. “That would undermine our funding from despotic regimes eager to shift our organizations’ focus away from their repressive policies. All this means is that we have to change things up a bit. We need to pull numbers out of a Russian butt instead of a Palestinian one; out of a Canadian derriere instead of a South African one. I might even humbly suggest pulling the numbers out of an ear, a mouth, a nostril, or urethra, just for variety’s sake. The upshot of Israel evil and Palestinian purity need not be altered at all.”
The same report, by the Henry Jackson Society, found that media reports almost never noted the specious source of the Gaza casualty statistics, and never attempted to clarify how many of the claimed dead were fighters; they did, however, always couch Israeli statements in the phrase, “Israel says” or “Israeli military officials claim,” if giving mention to any Israeli perspective at all.
Activists in Queers for Palestine and affiliated groups in the US and Canada volunteered their anuses from which to have the statistics pulled.
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