Nice Country, Israel. It Would Be A Shame If Anything Happened To It.

By US Secretary of State John Kerry

You Israelis have done a wonderful job building up the place. It would certainly be unfortunate if something bad happened to it.

Hey, I’m not threatening. I’m just telling you, there are plenty of unpleasant folks about, and while I don’t exactly support their agenda, I must confess I’d be hard-pressed to stop them if you don’t give up some vital strategic interests. I’m doing you a favor here. I want to protect you, you see. These are just the political realities.

Those realities sometimes mean tough decisions. They mean you have to sit there and take it when Saeb Erekat makes blatantly false statements about his ancestors being in the land long before yours. They mean you have to smile appreciatively when I claim no Israelis were killed in West Bank terrorist attacks last year, when in fact a whole bunch were. I’ve been shot at; being yelled at because I’m a liar doesn’t scare me. I’m just trying to help you, if you know what’s good for you.

It’s a rough world. There are forces a play that you can’t just ignore. There’s a movement to boycott Israeli institutions and companies, and we can’t have that gaining traction, can we? It may be a marginal phenomenon, but it doesn’t have to stay that way, especially if I cite the prospect specifically in an international forum. Just to let you know where things stand, and who’s got whom by the short ones.

Please, don’t call it extortion; that’s such an ugly word. I prefer to use the term “speaking frankly.” That’s what friends do, right? And I’m your friend. I would never suggest you do anything against your own interests. You think relying on your own military instead of NATO or US forces is in your interests? In an era of American withdrawals from all of its major conflict zones, why would you think that? Sometimes you’re just too narrow-minded to see what your own best interests are. What are friends for, if not honesty?

So let’s be honest: I have no cards to play with the Palestinians. They have no economy to speak of, so I can’t hold the specter of an economic boycott over them. That’s your own fault, being so successful and all. And while nobody loves them, they certainly have never generated the kind of sustained international venom that you seem to attract. It’s just the unfortunate truth, but you’re the side that people are ready to pounce on for every little bit of unpleasantness.

As my boss says, we’ve got your back, Israel. If you ever want to see it again, do as we say.