No Dessert Until You Finish That Gentile Blood Matza, Young Man

By Mom

Is everyone ready for some cake? Good, let’s clear away the plates and I’ll just- wait a minute. Moishe, what’s that I see on yours? Is that gentile blood matza you haven’t eaten? Well, that’s not acceptable. No dessert for you until you eat every last bite of it.

You know the rules. Your father works very hard to kidnap non-Jewish children, slaughter them, drain their blood, and store it under the right conditions so we can use it when we need it. Show a little respect for all the effort he put into getting this blood matza onto our table. It would do you some good to learn to show respect.

Don’t you take that tone with me! The policy in this house is and has always been that only those who have eaten all their food are permitted to have dessert. No exceptions. Once you get your gentile blood matza into your stomach I will be happy to cut you a slice of the chocolate cake. but not before. Let’s go, eat up.

I know you ate your vegetables, even the broccoli you claim to dislike so much. I saw you finish the meat loaf and the potatoes. There’s only one thing left for you to down, and that’s the gentile blood matza. Come on. You shouldn’t have a problem.

You can’t claim to be too full for gentile blood matza and then ask for cake, young man. Either you have room or you don’t. If you’re too full to eat your blood matza, you’re too full for cake as well.

I didn’t slave over a hot stove for you to reject this. Kneading blood into flour is nothing like using water. I hope you appreciate that. It clots. It doesn’t distribute as well. The gluten doesn’t form so readily. I labored to prepare this blood matza for you, and you better finish it by the time I count to twenty. One. Two. Three… there we go. That’s right, eat every bite. That’s more like it.

Good job. This better be the last time we have to conduct this discussion, young man. Now take your plate to the kitchen. Enjoy the cake. For goodness’s sake, use a fork! Remember, after dessert you still have to take out the trash, finish your usury homework, and perform your evening satanic rituals before you’re allowed to play Kill Jesus on your Playstation.

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