No, Weinberg, It’s MY Turn To Control The Stock Market Today

By Moshe Katz, Deputy Assistant Elder of Zion

New York, June 5 – What’s this? Hello? Weinberg, what are you doing here? The Elders assigned me the task of manipulating the New York Stock Exchange today, not you. Please leave.

Yes, Weinberg, you schmendrick. Look. See this email from Schottenstein? It couldn’t be clearer: Wednesday, the fifth of June, the second of Sivan. I, Moshe Katz, have the assignment of controlling the stock market to benefit the Elders of Zion and exploiting worldwide wealth to cement Jewish financial and media hegemony. What have you got, yutz? An insinuation that your family donated a new portrait of Baron Rothschild to the headquarters so you get to claim any time slot you want? That’s narishkeit, Weinberg, and you know it. Rothschild isn’t the one who schedules the market-control sessions. Not since the Canary Wharf debacle.

I don’t care who your shver is, you am ho’oretz. He could be Steven Spielberg himself and that wouldn’t matter. I came in today special, all the way from Borough Park, because I’m ready to do my part in the quest for global domination. You seem to think it’s some sort of hobby in which you can casually dabble, like the bagels and lox club. It’s serious business. Now move your tuchus away from that console and let me do this job.

This is getting aggravating, Weinberg. Do I have to call Adelson? You know how upset he gets when people mess with the program. Remember September 11? Yes, of course you do. Some hotshot wanted to prove himself to Bloomberg by handling the day’s market manipulation all by himself, so he muscled his way in and started issuing orders and punching in codes like it was some regular day, when he was supposed to be alerting all the Jews not to go to the World Trade Center. That could have ended very badly if not for an alert Harvey Weinstein. Yeah, I know he’s out of favor right now – in fact I was part of the group tasked with creating the whole scandal to shame him – but the point is he saved a lot of Yidden who wouldn’t have needed saving if we’d all followed Madoff’s rules.

We don’t want another fiasco like that. No, not that one either.

Glad you’re seeing things my way, Weinberg. Wait, hold up- you left your coffee here. You gotta be careful, you know; tomorrow all the Starbucks locations in the tri-state area will be putting mind-control chemicals in their beverages, so- oh, good, ok. That’s right, you started the rumor that Starbucks isn’t kosher anymore, to keep our people away. It was a classic move. Well done. Reminded me of the whole Black Death and well-poisoning project.

No, no hard feelings. Tell you what, Weinberg: I’ll let you handle 3-5 pm today. You get to crash Microsoft. We good?

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