NY AG Investigates Unilever Over Ben & Jerry Being Insufferable

An intolerable level of sanctimony and self-righteous preening despite questionable progressive credentials.

Albany, November 16 – New York State’s law enforcement arm began an inquiry into the international conglomerate that holds a controlling stake in an ice cream manufacturer with a socially conscious brand, in the face of cumulative evidence that the manufacturer exhibits an intolerable level of sanctimony and self-righteous preening despite questionable progressive credentials.

State Attorney General Letitia James announced an investigation into Unilever, Inc., today, following the emergence of repeated indications that Ben & Jerry’s, a brand they acquired from the eponymous founders years ago, espouses “woke” principles in a selective, hypocritical, and distorted fashion, all while claiming to adhere to the politically liberal principles of Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield. Cohen and Greenfield still serve as spokesmen for the brand, and have struggled to articulate a consistent justification for the brand’s policies.

“I believe we have enough evidence that they are insufferable wokescolds,” stated James at a press conference. “Our office began receiving complaints more than ten years ago, but at the time we did not view the level of sanctimony as actionable. However, in the wake of the company’s bizarre decision to boycott Jews living in the ancestral Jewish heartland, even as the company maintains a flourishing business in places with governments that have far, far worse records on human rights than Israel, we determined we had to step in. If the board of Ben and Jerry’s refuses to remedy its insufferable policies and rhetoric, then its parent company must answer for those violations.”

“The company’s refusal to renew its license with its Israeli licensee because the latter declines to restrict its distribution to areas under Jewish control between 1948 and 1967,” she continued, “merely adds to a litany of other offenses of talking the talk but failing to walk the walk. Ben and Jerry’s, for example, makes profligate use of fossil-fuel-powered production and refrigeration facilities, not to mention a logistical fleet that relies exclusively on gasoline-fueled vehicles to deliver its goods to stores and its proprietary ‘scoop shops.’ Concessions to the practicalities of trucking and temperature-control for ice cream on their own do not constitute a mark of insufferability, even for a company that prides itself on progressive values. However, once Ben and Jerry’s adopted the bizarre idea that Jordan’s nineteen-year occupation of what had been the British Mandate of Palestine somehow created a sacrosanct, Jew-free point in the land’s history that demands restoration, that cast new light on the company’s hypocrisy and superficial, fad-based policymaking.”

A representative of Unilever declined to speak with reporters for this article, citing urgent dealings with contractors in Russia, China, Belarus, and Turkey.

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