Obama Calls For CDC To Stop Fighting, Start Negotiating With Cancer

“The first move should involve a moratorium on radiation therapy and chemotherapy, as a confidence-building measure.”

Atlanta, November 25 – In a bid to reduce tensions and lower the level of open conflict in a war going back decades, US President Barack Obama urged both sides in the War on Cancer to come to the negotiating table instead of fighting.

In a statement to the Centers for Disease Control in this southern city, President Obama called on the researchers and medical specialists to explore options that do not involve attacking cancer cells, but allows them a dignified way to express their grievances and assures they feel listened to. Only that way, said the president, will the rogue growths let go of the need to disrupt the body’s systems and kill patients.

“Talks are always preferable to outright conflict,” said the president. “In this so-called war, both parties have done little to find a solution not based on a zero-sum game mentality. It has always been manifestly clear that in a zero-sum game, in which one side’s success comes at the expense of the other, there is never truly a winner. We must do more to cultivate possibilities that make a win-win situation not only available, but attractive.”

“Researchers throughout the world have been fighting valiantly for many years, and have amassed accomplishments to make anyone proud,” continued the statement. “But victory remains as distant a prospect as when this war began. I urge the parties to this conflict to resolve their differences at the negotiating table.”

“No one believes such negotiations will be easy, quick, even achieve resolution of every single issue,” Obama concluded. “But we lose nothing by trying, and maybe, just maybe, we can bequeath to our children a world with one less devastating conflict in it. Well, in the case of cancer, its children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s distant descendants, because cancer cells multiply so fast. But I think I made my point.”

Secretary of State John Kerry echoed the president’s call, and offered to broker the talks. “First we need to restore calm, perhaps with a series of goodwill gestures,” suggested the secretary. “I think the first move should involve a moratorium on radiation therapy and chemotherapy, as a confidence-building measure. Then we can begin to talk about the actual demands and grievances of both sides. If all goes well and the negotiations are conducted in good faith, a final status agreement could be reached within months.”

Critics questioned the efficacy of direct talks at this stage of the conflict. “Its a little suspicious, actually,” said conservative Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer. “Does anyone realize Kerry’s late wife made some sizable donations to end-of-life hospice care institutions?”

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